BREAKING: Arlen Specter Beaten
by Zeitgeist9000, Wed Apr 29, 2009 at 11:56:14 AM EDT
In accordance with unwritten Senate documentation and latent tradition, Arlen Specter (D-Pennsylvania) was roundly beaten into the Democratic Caucus this morning. On hand for the beat down were Senators Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), John Kerry (D-Massachusetts), Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) and Barbara Mikulski (D-Maryland).
Said Senator Landrieu, "It's rare that we get to participate in something this exciting and liberating. It's a real opportunity to build camaraderie and esprit-de-corps."
John Kerry chimed in, his hand still bloody from the laceration dealt to Specter's left cheek, "We never get to do this if someone is appointed or popularly elected into our ranks. And the fact that we know Arlen made the beat down all the more enjoyable."
Senator Boxer (D-California) received high praise from her colleagues as her patented "Oakland 360 destroyer" roundhouse kick connected solidly with Specter's right temple.
Some of Specter's constituents have already decried these actions and appealed for leniency from Bob Casey, the Pennsylvania junior senator. Senator Casey is reported to have complied by declining the use of the World War II-era brass knuckles which had been used repeatedly by the Republicans in their induction of Senators Campbell and Shelby into their caucus.
Senator Mikulski could not be reached for comment as she was apparently still sitting on Specter's face at press time.
When asked for comment about the glaringly inappropriate nature of the Senators' actions, Senator Leahy replied, "Don't mess with me. I was in Batman, bitch."
Stay tuned for more updates throughout the day...