Mitch McConnell's Rand Paul Kentucky Nightmare
by Upstate Dem, Thu May 20, 2010 at 07:08:51 PM EDT
Once upon a time there was a man named Mitch McConnell.
Now Mitch, more than any other politician in his province, knew how to win elections. He would ask rich people to give him lots and lots of money. He would then take the money and use it to trick poor people into voting for him. After he won, he would help the rich people make even more money. The rich people were very grateful, and Mitch was very happy.
When Mitch's friends in other provinces saw how happy Mitch was, they asked him to be their leader. "Help us win elections and be happy like you," they said. So Mitch became their leader. Sure enough, the rich people began giving Mitch's friends lots of money, and Mitch's friends won lots of elections. They were all very happy.
Then, one day, everyone in the land suddenly stopped making money. The rich people soon made all their money back, but the poor people grew even poorer. They became angry, which frightened the rich people. "The poor people are misguided," they said to Mitch. "Don't they know that if it weren't for us, they wouldn't have so much as a crust of bread? Help us help more of your friends get elected, so we can make more money, so the poor people can have a crust of bread."
Now it so happened that in Mitch's province, one of his old friends -- his name was Jim -- had gone funny in the head. Mitch knew that no matter how much money the rich people gave this man, the poor people would not vote for him anymore. So Mitch ordered one of his newer friends -- his name was Trey -- to take the rich people's money and use it to get himself elected.
Meanwhile, the poor people in Mitch's province were still very angry. They were so angry that a few of them went almost as funny in the head as Mitch's old friend Jim. They were called "Teabaggers", and they didn't like Trey. They liked a man named Rand.
Now Rand talked crazy talk, and Mitch knew that no matter how angry the poor people had become, they would never, ever vote for Rand. He was too crazy. Nevertheless, the Teabaggers were persistent, and they used Mitch's own rules to make Trey go away so that Rand might try to get himself elected.
So, in the end, Mitch had to ask the rich people to give Rand money, even though Rand couldn't win. And Mitch had to pretend he liked Rand, even though he didn't. And Mitch had to defend Rand's crazy talk, even though he couldn't.
And that's why Mitch had nightmares for months and months and months. It was all because of Rand and the Teabaggers.
It got so bad that Mitch almost forgot that he looked like a turtle. But that's another story.
From my blog http://partisandawn.wordpress.com/