If Clinton loses the nomination...
by ragekage, Thu Apr 10, 2008 at 08:49:49 PM EDT
WASHINGTON, DC- Denouncing the Democratic primary process as "immoral and corrupt," Senator Hillary Clinton announced Tuesday that she will not drop out of the Democratic primary race, declaring herself "Presidential Nominee For Life."
Proclaiming June 10th a new national holiday as "Day One of Americlintonian Year Zero," Clinton issued a directive that, upon winning the general election, and alongside such hard-hitting issues such as universal healthcare, and the War in Iraq, she would institute total martial law over "all territories formerly known as these United States, thenceforth to be called the Holy United Imperial Americlintonian Demopublic (HUIAD)." She added that all primary election results from more than thirty states are "hereby invalidated under DemoClintonian provisional law."
"The American people have spoken," Clinton said. "By failing to generate a majority in the primary race without resorting to the use of immoral and un-American tactics of 'caususes' and 'proportional delegation', they have shown their inability to muster the drive to collective action. The time has come for a new America, a strong Americlintonian Empire, capable of providing the indecisive electorate with direction through one woman's sheer force of will."
Dressed in full military regalia and flanked by members of her elite DemoClintonian Guard, Clinton told reporters, "Let all peoples of the land know this: The era of bipartisan inaction and paralysis has ended. The Age of the Great Cleansing Fire begins today."
Many political observers question the constitutionality of Clinton's actions, which include the burning of the Constitution, the dissolution of Congress, and the establishment of "re-education camps" in suburban D.C, especially considering the fact that her rival, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, won enough delegates and superdelegates to make him the presumptive nominee; much less the fact that the general election is some months away.
At a sparsely attended press conference, DNC Chariman Howard Dean raised the prospect of a Justice Department investigation of "possible illegal activities" on the part of Clinton. Most observers, however, believe that such a probe is unlikely: Less than an hour after Dean spoke, his battered and broken body was publicly fed to Clinton's dogs.
On the question of the legality of her actions, Clinton said "Let them bring their pitiful reprisals to the impotent courts. Their lawyers and lawsuits shall face the wrath of a people united by the almighty fist." Clinton, whose divinity as HUIAD's first Empress-God was ratified late Tuesday night by the Americlintonic High Priest Council, also added "Let them have their 'delegate' totals. They shall wither, as will the bankers, lawyers, and lobbyists all, before the Holy Cause of Americlintonia's glorious, righteous might."
Defiant in the face of objections from the Obama and McCain camps, Clinton has consolidated her power over the last several days, ordering armed takeovers of major federal buildings and the systematic collection and display of her enemies' heads on iron pikes.