Hillary Clinton's Will Get the Troops Home- Personally

This newspaper article fell out of a time hole and plopped onto my desk. It's a very telling testament to what a Hillary Clinton presidency would entail... Obama supporters, take note, because you may just reconsider your position!

BAGHDAD- As the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Division began its ground assault on Al-Qaeda insurgents in the Baghdad area Monday, President Clinton marched alongside the front-line soldiers, bravely putting her own life on the line for her country by personally participating in the attack.

"Clinton is the real deal, and when she talks about fighting for freedom, she means it," said Pvt. Tom Scharpling, 21. "She'd never ask one of us grunts to take any risks for our country that she wasn't willing to take himself."


"Clinton is the best soldier I've ever had the honor of fighting alongside," said Pvt. Jon Benjamin, 23. "I'd take a bullet for that woman, because I know she'd take one for me if she had to."

Proving herself a worthy foot soldier, Clinton has earned the respect of her fellow front-line combatants with acts of courage and heroism that one soldier called "a truly inspiring example of one woman's commitment to the troops."

"Just yesterday, Hillary stormed an insurgent machine-gun nest when our sergeant took one in the belly," Pvt. Scott "Lumpy" Fellers, 20, told reporters. "We were pinned down, cut off from division support, had our Iraqi National Guard contingent desert on us, and it looked like curtains for us all. Thankfully, Hillary was there. She ran through heavy artillery fire and lobbed a grenade right into their bunker. If it hadn't been for her, God knows how many of us would've been coming home in body bags."

"It's not just any president who would risk their life like the nation's servicemen and women do," Fellers added. "God bless her and everything she stands for."

Clinton's courage, sources say, was evident even from the earliest stages of her Democratic primary campaign. Though her advisors initially wanted to orchestrate a timed and phased withdrawl, lasting many years, Clinton quickly dismissed this strategy, insisting that the only way a true and lasting victory could be achieved was for her to go in and fight--dune by dune, village by village-- until Iraq was finally free of Al-Qaeda, and peace has been secured for every Iraqi.

White House sources say Clinton's decision to place her own life on the line for her country met with resistance from top military leaders.

"The Joint Chiefs of Staff kept telling her, 'Madam President, we beg you--stay here in Washington, where it's safe.' But Hillary was having none of it," said Maj. Gen. Buford Blount, commander of the 3rd Infantry. "She was adamant that if our boys and girls overseas were going to risk their lives for liberty, she was going to do the same. And, by God, she proved herself a man of his word."

The president has only been in battle for less than a week, but she has already proven himself more than willing to put herself in the line of fire.

"The president carried me through an enemy minefield after my arm had been blown off by an IED, blazing away with her pistol as she delivered me to safety," Pvt. Chris Adair said.

"Then, after she'd gotten me to a medic, she went all the way back through that same minefield--carrying a 40-pound bag of ice the whole way--to retrieve my severed arm so the doctors could sew it back on. Now, thanks to President Clinton, I'll still be able to play piano for the church choir back home in Appleton, just like I promised Grandma. She is truly an American hero."

Adair's comments were echoed by many of the soldiers fighting alongside Clinton, evident by their rallying call of "Give 'em Hell-ary!"

"I used to be cynical about politicians who are born into privilege and wealth. I thought, 'Sure, they talk a good game about our duty to protect democracy, but when push comes to shove, they'd rather send off the nation's poor, uneducated, and underprivileged to do the fighting for them,'" said Pvt. Frank Elkins, 19. "I always figured they'd rather see somebody else die in some foreign land than make that sacrifice themselves. But now I know I was wrong."

"There may be some folks out there, born silver spoon in hand, who'd act that way, but that ain't Hillary. No, that ain't her," Elkins said. "She ain't no fortunate one."

President Clinton's actions have been lauded by many, including onetime Democratic rival Senator Barack Obama.

"I thought I had a reasonable plan for success in getting our troops out of Iraq, by appointing a bipartisan cabinet with unparalled experience to help me in making the best judgement on an exit strategy for Iraq," he said, "but I should have known when President Clinton said she had the experience to get things done, she wasn't kidding. I'm sure glad she won the Democratic nomination."

On Monday, President Clinton has scheduled a press conference from Camp Independence just ouside Baghdad, in which she is expected to go over her plan to personally provide all future medical services, from preventative care to major surgery to each and every American man, woman, and child.

Tags: Barack Obama, blatantly stolen from The Onion, Hillary Clinton, Iraq, satire, troop withdrawl (all tags)

Comments

10 Comments

Re: Hillary Clinton's Will Get the Troops Home-

This from the lady who voted to go to war with Iraq.  This from the lady who voted for the resolution to give Bush the authority to go to war with Iran.  Yes, she will definitely bring those troops home.  LOL.

by Spanky 2008-04-09 09:52AM | 0 recs
Re: Hillary Clinton's Will Get the Troops Home-

This from the lady who voted for the resolution to give Bush the authority to go to war with Iran.

- At least make sure you know what you are talking about when you make such outlandish claims . It undermines your credibility .

That wasn't an authorization to go to war with Iran .

If it was why aren't we at war right now.

And what does it say about your candidate who would rather duck a vote on such consequential matter.

I would say that would rule him out from being president , won't it.

Next time be careful with the information you put out there.

By the way this is a satire , enjoy it.

by lori 2008-04-09 09:59AM | 0 recs
Re: Hillary Clinton's Will Get the Troops Home-

okay Lori, I'll bite...  when Kyl-Lieberman talked about military intervention with Iran, what did that mean to you?

And the reason we aren't at war yet with Iran (although we have been massing equipment) is that Joint Chiefs have not yet signed off on what exactly it will entail.  Well, that and that pesky NIE briefing that put the kibosh on public support for it.

by JenKinFLA 2008-04-09 12:23PM | 0 recs
and your candidate continued to fund it.

I thought he was against the war from the beginning?

by Rome890 2008-04-09 10:56AM | 0 recs
This talking point is still wrong

Even when its a Democrat using it.

by DSloth 2008-04-09 10:59AM | 0 recs
Re: This talking point is still wrong

So he didn't vote to fund the occupation?

by Rome890 2008-04-09 01:24PM | 0 recs
No

He voted to fund the troops.

by DSloth 2008-04-09 03:49PM | 0 recs
Hillary Clinton is a powerful wizard, too

Her Fireball spell does 10d6 damage, and the radius is 50% larger than usual because of her Expand Spell feat.

She goes without body armor, because that would raise the chances of arcane spell failure.  Truly a national hero.

by Dracomicron 2008-04-09 11:05AM | 0 recs
Re: Hillary Clinton's Will Get the Troops
Even as a Clinton supporter, I laughed my @ss off at this.
by sricki 2008-04-09 11:07AM | 0 recs
Too much time on your hands. n/t

by bobswern 2008-04-09 11:19AM | 0 recs

Diaries

Advertise Blogads