You Know You Might Be a Tea Partier If…

NOT KNOWING YOUR VAGINA FROM A HOLE IN THE HEAD - A perfect demonstration of what happens when you don't believe in funding schools.

You know you might be a tea partier if you:

  • Go ballistic at being called a “tea bagger” while holding a sign that says, “Tea bag Obama before he tea bags you.”
  • Protest socialized medicine while carrying a Medicare card in your pocket.
  • Think the entire US Constitution should be repealed…except for the Second Amendment.
  • Believe only those to the ideological right of Genghis Khan are “mainstream Americans”.
  • Can never remember the difference between socialism and fascism.
  • Know that Barack Obama is probably a legal resident of Kenya, but highly suspect he may actually be an illegal alien…from the planet Nebulon 4.
  • Keep trying to tell people that members of the party are nice, normal, level-headed people…while standing atop a box full of oranges stolen from a migrant farm worker, waving an automatic weapon over your head, and starting your speech by yelling, “IT’S TIME TO TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK!”
  • Find that facts and rational thought give you headaches.
  • Think the country will get along  just fine if we abolish all taxes while criticizing Democrats for their handling of the economy.
  • Are foursquare in favor of good schools and good roads, just not raising money to build them.
  • See democracy as one-party rule…and neither party is the Democrats or Republicans.
  • Think Ronald Reagan was, “The Great Communicator” despite the fact he couldn’t complete a speech without Nancy standing behind him screaming the speech into his ear trumpet.
  • Believe that the biggest problem with Democrats in general, and Obama in particular, is that they breathe.
  • Believe Richard Nixon, Barry Goldwater, and Joseph McCarthy were far too liberal for your tastes.
  • Wrap yourself in the flag and festooned every inch of your clothing in American flag pins while advocating armed resistance to the government and/or secession from the Union.
  • Don’t seem to be bothered by an extension of unemplyment benifits if you are unemployed, but change your positiohn when you find a job.
  • Are excited about the prospect of taking America boldly forward…into the 18th Century.
  • Think Sarah Palin  should be the next President, but unfortunately wears high-heeled shoes.
  • Think Glenn Beck is, “so down to Earth.”

  • Think reporters should only ask questions you want to answer…under penalty of death.
  • Criticize politicians for being against something before they were for it while lionizing John McCain.
  • Read an article about BP ignoring hundreds of safety regulations and conclude the problem is too many regulations.
  • Believe that allowing lobbyists to write legislation will lead to a cost savings big enough to offset the Bush tax cuts…not that you have to pay for them or anything.
  • Believe that the possibility of having to share a shower with a soldier who may or not be gay will lead to the entire US Armed Forces deserting their posts to take their showers at the local fitness club…without considering gay men who exercise.
  • Dress exclusively in tri-cornered hats and “Don’t Tread on Me” T-shirts.
  • Can no longer remember if the stars go on the top or the bottom when you fly the US flag.
  • Protest “taxation without representation”…in front of the office of your Congressman.
  • Think the Gulf Oil Disaster was actually a plot headed up by Barrack Obama.
  • Immediately change your position on an issue after finding out a liberal agreed with you.
  • Decry partisanship while wearing a T-Shirt that says, “NOT NO, BUT HELL NO!”
  • Think the answer to illegal immigration is to, “jail ‘em all and let God sort it out”.
  • Think John Boehner has a really great tan.
  • Don’t see the irony when Bobby Jindal thinks we should profile Hispanics and jail them all immediately if they don’t have a Green Card on them.
  • Think that building a mosque a few blocks from Ground Zero is a greater affront than attacking the WTC in the first place.
  • Don’t know what Sharia law is, but you’re in favor of expelling all Muslims from the US.
  • Think Fred Phillips is generally correct on his ideas, he just comes on a little strong.
  • Think Pat Robertson was right in claiming God sent hurricane Andrew to teach all them Palm Beach Nancy Boys a little sumpin’ sumpin’ about decent behavior.
  • Attend a 1000-person rally against being called racist when there are only three black people in the crowd…all of whom “pass” if need be.
  • Refer to Sarah Palin as, “The Grizzly Whisperer”.
  • You yell about health care reform bringing “death panels” while not noticing we already have them…the insurance companies call the “managed care boards”.
  • Think Sean Hannity is, “going soft”.
  • Decry frivolous lawsuits while cheering Orly Taitz as she files dozens of suits challenging Obama’s citizenship.
  • Think anyone with more that a semester at the local community college is a member of the intellectual elite.
  • You are a “regular” Republican in Tea Partiers’ clothing.
  • Carry a handgun into church to listen to the sermon…God is a God of Peace.
  • Have no sense of irony.
  • Are a Texan or Arizonan.
  • Prefer Astroturf over natural grass.
  • Don’t get that last joke.
  • Think the funniest thing you’ve ever heard is Jeff Foxworthy doing his You Might Be a Redneck If…bit.

Cross Posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

 

 

Tags: Barack Obama, Jeff Foxworthy, John McCain, Politics, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Sarah Palin, sharia, tea bagger, World Trade Center, Irony, Republican, Tea Party (all tags)

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