GOP Proposes Replacing Social Security With Groupons

   Hat tip to The Sunday Funnies at Economic Populist. 

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Presenting what he called a revolutionary plan to slash the nation’s mountain of debt, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) today proposed eliminating the Social Security program in its entirety and replacing it with Groupons.

“Instead of waiting each month for a check from Social Security, America’s elderly will receive valuable Groupons for everything they need, from Ramen noodles to cat food to caskets,” Mr. Ryan said in an appearance on Fox News.

  Tellin' it like it is. Read more . . .

 

 

Tags: Paul Ryan, Social Security (all tags)

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Paul Ryan Vows To Continue Kevorkian's Work

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a somber Congressional ceremony, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) eulogized the late Dr. Jack Kevorkian today, vowing to “honor his legacy by continuing his good work.”

“Dr. Kevorkian tried to ease the transition of seniors into the great beyond,” an emotional Rep. Ryan told his colleagues in the House of Representatives.  “Here in Congress, we have the opportunity – one might even say the obligation – to continue Kevorkian’s work on a grander scale.”

by nanobot 2011-06-05 04:41PM | 0 recs
How To Talk To Your Children About Anthony Weiner's Penis

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) – As a prominent child psychologist, I know the struggles that parents go through trying to answer their children’s most difficult questions.  “What will happen to me when I die?”  “Why do people I love have to go away?”  “If there is a God, why does He allow so much pain and suffering in the world?”  “Could someone hack my Twitter account and send pictures of my erect penis to everyone in the world?”

Anecdotally, it’s this last question that parents have been wrestling with the most over the past few days.

by nanobot 2011-06-05 04:46PM | 0 recs

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