Join Loyal to Big Oil
by Jen Trification, Mon Oct 16, 2006 at 09:12:04 AM EDT
Put your hand on your wallet and repeat after me: "I pledge to always and forever be loyal to Big Oil." C'mon now, people! Louder! It's time to take to the streets! It's time to step out from around those conference tables, time to slink out of those secret meetings, time to leave your Hummer and Leer Jet behind to make it known once and for all that we are THE financial backers of Congress, and that Congressmen MUST put their mouths where our money is!
Sadly though, things are looking bleak, and only a little over 70% of Congress is taking our money and doing our bidding. Too many Congressional races around this country are far too close to call, even after the tens of millions of dollars we've spent on the campaigns of our loyal servants. Too many rogue Congressmen are making the bold mistake of listening to their constituents over us! We need to close the gap (but not the income gap!) and buy off the remaining 30% of Congress!
And that's why we need you! My fellow Oil Barons and Energy (Inside) Traders, stand up and let your ridiculously rich voices be heard! It's time for you to show your loyalty. So sign a pledge, proclaim an oath, and make your Senators and Representatives do the same! We need you to step out and join us all over this great, oil hungry land as we proclaim October 24th to be henceforth known as "Buy a Congressman Day."
Yes, some may call our methods crude, but really that's just our oil. The harsh reality is that it would be folly to allow environmental concerns, real energy independence, or misguided compassion for future generations to stand in the way of pure profit! Of course, we enjoy receiving checks with lots of zeros, with millions and billions in pure profits. But what, my friends, is even better?? Well, a blank check, that's what! And that's what we'll have if we own all of Congress! Just think of all the havoc and profits we can let loose with two more years of an entirely unaccountable President AND Congress!!! Why, we can't lose!! We just can't!! And as we all know, the future is far too far off to worry about, so why concern ourselves with it?!? The present is here! Now! And our oil is the gift that keeps on giving!!
Let your voices ring among those of Billionaires from Hawaii to New York, from Austin, Texas, to Detroit, Michigan, from Boston, Massachusetts, to Nevada City, California. My friends, our ranks our growing as the rich get richer and the poor pump gas and, along with it, their hard earned dollars into our ever-fattening wallets! Let's keep it that way. So put on your tiara! Grab your top hat and your Rolodex! Rustle up your brethren and lend support to Billionaires everywhere as you strive to purchase your very own Congressman! Come join us on the Internet at www.LoyaltoBigOil.com and in the streets on October 24th as we commemorate Buy a Congressman Day!