BREAKING: John McCain's speech leaked
by JDF, Wed Sep 03, 2008 at 08:01:45 PM EDT
Yes my friends, I have the scoop. But I know you will all appreciate that I have decided to share it all with you. I have, due to some inside connections, received an advance copy of McCain's acceptance speech for tomorrow night. It is some pretty stunning stuff and really lays out a vision for the country that is..well I can't do it justice you should just read it for yourself.
Good evening my friends. I am here tonight to proudly accept the Republican nomination for President of the United States of America- minus, of course, Alaska. Alaska, as you all know, will be allowed to secede from the Union and will become a monarchy ruled by the Palin family. Consider it our gift to them for their wonderful service to the Republican Party. My friends, I know we say that we put "country first," but you all know that we mean party first. I mean seriously, my friends, do you really think that Democrats matter? If you do than let me remind you of this. I was a POW for five and a half years and in that time I learned what it meant to be un-American and being a Democrat is un-American. In fact, I am pretty sure that it was the relatives of my opponent, and the Clintons, that held me hostage for those five and a half years. My friends, it is easy to know our enemies because they all look the same to me.
There has been a lot of talk about change and hope coming from the other side of the aisle. Well, my friends, I know a little something about change. I have a little in my pocket right now. But for five and a half years I didn't have any change at all. I couldn't even get a coke from the soda machine. They don't have soda machines in the Hanoi Hilton. I also know a little something about hope. Remember, my friends, that we don't have to chase down Osama Bin Laden. We just have to hope to eventually catch him. As republicans we have been doing that since 9/12; and I think you can see that it is the strategy that works.
I also know a little bit about energy independence my friends. No. I don't have any energy. Nor do I have any independence; hell, these days I need help just getting to the bathroom. But let me tell you, my friends, energy independence is right below our feet. Just drill. Drilly drill drill. Drill baby drill. Drill under our lawns. Well, not my lawn, but your lawns for sure. In fact, let me speak a moment on the subject of lawns. My fellow Americans, my friends, to you I say this... get off of my lawn!
That's right my friends. Get off of my lawn. It's nothing personal you see, but I know a lot about lawns. For five and a half years I didn't have a lawn. I was a POW. I was a POW for five and a half years and in that time I didn't even see a lawn. In fact I was once beaten for saying the word lawn. I think it was my opponent's uncle who held the stick. But anyway, my point is this, for five and a half years... wait.. what was that Joe? I already said that. You're right. Anyway let me just say this: POW!!!!!
But Joe is right, it is time to talk a little bit about terrorism. No my friends, I am not talking about Al Qaeda. I am not talking about insurgents in Iraq and I am certainly not talking about Iran. I am talking about Hollywood Celebrities. There are no more dangerous terrorists in the world than those dirty liberals. Trust me my friends, I know them well. After all I have appeared on Saturday Night Live twice and the daily show 12 times. I have also appeared in movies and television shows. That's why I have the experience to handle those liberal extremist terrorists. My opponent, though he pretends to be a celebrity, is not prepared to face them down. My friend, when it comes to terrorists, and lawns, I am the man for the job.
And if that isn't a good enough reason to elect me then let me share some letters that I think are very important. No my friends, not the letters that you send. My eye sight is kind of getting shaky so I can't really read letters anymore. I meant letters that stand for other things. No No not CIC, that's commander in chief, and yes I am ready but that is not why you should vote for me.
I don't mean GOP either although if I have my way that is going to start meaning Grumpy Old Party.
I don't even mean OMG or LOL. Because, my friends, I don't know how to use the internet.
That's right my friends. There are three little letters that I think are the best reason to vote for me... and those letters are POW...
So help me make history. Help me become the 44th old white man to be elected President. Gentlemen, and my friends, don't you think we deserve it?
Thank you, my friends, I proudly accept your nomination... and God Bless America...