Confessions Of a Hitman: You Finally Got Us.

"Sick, disgusting and yet revealing, Hillary Clinton is staying in the race in the event some nut kills Barack Obama." Michael Goodwin, (a columnist), The New York Daily News May 24, 2008

"Hillary should only not drop out of the race.  She should resign from the Senate.  Then she should be arrested, tried, convicted, and sent to a maximum security prison for life for advocating the assassination of a presidential candidate."
larnov (a poster), The  New York Daily News May 25, 2008.

NOW IT CAN BE TOLD:

The recent revelations that Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill Clinton were planning to assassinate Barack Obama in our usual and insideous ways has compelled me (a co-conspirator) to compose this confession to my friends and colleagues at MyDD and bring the truth to the world.  

Oh why didn't everyone listen to Don Imus who told Larry King Live that, "Hillary Clinton is Satan." How did he figure it all out?  Everyone thought the so-called Devil had to be a man but we fooled you for years. NOW IT CAN BE TOLD. Hillary Rodham IS Satan.  Bill and I were just two archangels who were kicked out at the same time. It has been their and mine ultimate goal to have complete power and world domination for eternity.

It started at Calvary.  Women weren't allowed to attend executions in those days so Hillary (dressed as a Roman soldier) actually was the one who pounded the nails into Joshua Bar Joseph.  Bill handed her the hammer.  We knew Josh from our Heaven days.  He was always a little spoiled as the only kid in the family and Hillary in particular was extremely jealous. God, by the way, is not as nice as He's made out to be, although he drives a really awesome car-you should see it.  Bill got the nails from the Jerusalem Home Depot.

Then four years later it was Hillary (Bill supplied the pillow)who smothered the Emperor Tiberius in his bed still begging for that beef cutlet he was promised for lunch.  Paula Jones was there too.  She and I were lookouts. Paula's features were altered soon after when a member of the Praetorian Guard hit her in the puss with his sword as she was praying to the Goddess Venus and not giving him the blow job that he had been promised.

Hillary's attempt to take over the Roman Empire was thwarted by an odd quirk in the law at the time.  She didn't know that Tiberius' will (which named Caligula as his succesor) was kept by the Vestals and she couldn't get at it.  When Bill and Hillary were attending Rome Community College Law School (Educatus Communicatus Legatus Romanus) the ECLR, she and Bill had missed that lecture because they were shagging at the time and skipped class. Years later we got our revenge when we dressed up as Vandals and sacked the city.  Talk about your chickens coming home to roost.

It was a long, terribly unproductive period for us until we moved to America in 1865.  Hillary landed a job as Laura Keene's understudy in Our American Cousin and she was the one who signaled (off stage) our new friend Johnny Booth when the time would be ripe to point that gun behind Abe Lincoln's right ear.  Even though we were successful in THAT assassination, Bill lost his nerve and got stoned instead when he was supposed to be shooting Vice President Johnson.  I was waiting outside the hotel lobby holding Bill's horse, but he NEVER showed.

Bill was much more successful in getting both Garfield and McKinley with one shot to the head.  We got a couple of disgruntled office seekers and anarchists to take the rap but we didn't figure on Chester Arthur and Teddy Roosevelt being so ungrateful and denying us our just desserts.

After Queen Victoria (Hillary's grandmother) found out that Hillary had secretly married Bill instead of her chosen boyfriend, Nicholas Romanov, granny became so angry at Hillary that she banished her from the court. She relented a little when she found out that Hillary was really Jack The Ripper and not her grandson Prince "Eddy" whom she had suspected. A fake "diary" was created to throw everybody off the scent but the Queen was still furious about the marriage to a commoner.  Later on Hillary would get her revenge on her dead granny when she shot Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo and started the Great War.

Still, frustrated after all these years of not being able to take over the world in her lust for power, Hillary started cheating on Bill with her new boyfriend who was then hiding in a bunker somewhere in Berlin.  After Teutonicizing her name to Eva Braun, she agreed to marry the guy in a bigamous ceremony even though he was missing a vital component that might have made their 10 minutes of marriage more enjoyable. The poor man shot himself but Hillary deviously substituted Tylenol P.M. pills in place of the cyanide tablets she had been given.

Later moving back to the states, I can now reveal the solution to a conundrum that has plagued the world for 45 years. Yes, Bill, Hillary, and I were the ones behind the picket fence at the "grassy knoll" on November 22, 1963.  Originally Hillary planned to get a fake job at the Depository Building but plans were changed when they weren't hiring at the time. It did take four shots as the Clintons NRA memberships had expired and we were all a little rusty.  Bill was the "cop" (Badgeman), I was dressed as the "construction worker" (Hardhat), and Hillary, who wanted originally to dress as an Indian decided to dress as a "soldier".  Later we would look back fondly on that autumn afternoon when we formed a musical group to raise funds for our projects.  We called ourselves "The Village People" (a title later revisited when Hillary "wrote" her famous book). That bestseller was actually ghostwritten by a man named Dick Morris (who was also in Dallas that day as "toesucker").  Did LBJ appreciate our efforts and agree to step down, no? But we persisted.

This weekend's controversy is far more relavent than you think-simply because we did get Bobby in '68 at The Ambassador Hotel.  Hillary was the one in the polka dot dress and I was assigned the task of steadying Sirhan's hand (after Hillary had programmed him with Special Ops "cackling" techniques picked up during her brief stint in the CIA).  Bill was dressed as a busboy in the kitchen.  You know, everybody assumes Satan is "all powerful" but let me tell you, this stuff takes a lot of hard work and planning!  It's far from easy.

When Bill finally achieved power (after having installed a secret Elmer Fudd microphone in Paul Tsongas' vocal chords) did you think we all would give it up after only eight years? And to this fancy pants Obama fella? Not on your life.  But we got caught and I fear the end is upon us. Our plan in South Dakota to plant our coded messages has been uncovered.  The world is finally on to us.  And after all that work too.

I'm crying as I write this confesssion because I know that having given up the ghost our only alternative lies in escaping across the border to a country with no extradition treaty.  As this won't be easy with YouTube et al, we will have to get new disguises. I'm going to don a Chris Matthews mask and am now practising how to say "on" as "oan" and learning how to pronounce Cheney's name as 'Chi nee". Bill has been studying old Superman movies and when he poses as Keith Olbermann all that Clark Kent practice will hopefully come in handy. He has even prepared several "Special Comments" to bamboozle the border guards.

And what will happen to Hillary Rodham Clinton you ask?  Well if you promise not to tell anyone I'll let you in on a little secret, okay?  Split screen technology has improved mightily and her Hollywood friends at Industrial Light and Magic can truly work wonders beyond belief. Bill and I are finished--yes--but as the saying goes, "Give the Devil her due." NOW IT REALLY CAN BE TOLD. For Hillary Rodham Clinton IS Barack Obama.

See, we fooled you again.

Tags: Hillary Clinton, hitman (all tags)

Comments

24 Comments

You

Sick, disgusting, and revealing about covers it.

by map 2008-05-25 01:38PM | 0 recs
LOL

by observer5 2008-05-25 01:40PM | 0 recs
You forgot Hillary's sex change

intestinal fortitude or whatever Satan has

by observer5 2008-05-25 01:41PM | 0 recs
You guys read the whole thing?

I could tell it was a troll diary by the lame title.

by spacemanspiff 2008-05-25 01:45PM | 0 recs
Re: You guys read the whole thing?

Hey I ain't no troll, just a writer.

by handsomegent 2008-05-25 01:47PM | 0 recs
Response to handsomegent

A really, really bad writer who has not made any salient point at all about anything that this site is designed to address. Are you a good writer like, say, Andrew Sullivan? Then I would say you're a good writer and you both should think 75 years before writing anything:

One of my proudest moments in journalism was publishing an expanded extract of a chapter from "The Bell Curve" in the New Republic before anyone else dared touch it. I published it along with multiple critiques (hey, I believed magazines were supposed to open rather than close debates) - but the book held up, and still holds up as one of the most insightful and careful of the last decade. The fact of human inequality and the subtle and complex differences between various manifestations of being human - gay, straight, male, female, black, Asian - is a subject worth exploring, period. Liberalism's commitment to political and moral equality for all citizens and human beings is not and should not be threatened by empirical research into human difference and varied inequality. And the fact that so many liberals are determined instead to prevent and stigmatize free research and debate on this subject is evidence ... well, that they have ceased to be liberals in the classic sense. I'm still proud to claim that label - classical liberal. And I'm proud of those with the courage to speak truth to power, as Murray and Herrnstein so painstakingly did.

by Jeter 2008-05-25 03:23PM | 0 recs
Re: Confessions Of a Hitman: You Finally Got Us.

Delete this pile.
by neonplaque 2008-05-25 01:47PM | 0 recs
I know what you were trying to do, but

this is really awful and inappropriate. Absolutely hideous and revolting. So... no. Just no.

by sricki 2008-05-25 01:47PM | 0 recs
Thanks, that

means it was effective.

by handsomegent 2008-05-25 01:49PM | 0 recs
You're giving the diary too much credit

I think it is just pointless, ill-advised, and unfunny.  Nevertheless, the author probably spent a fair amount of time writing it, so it does provide an illustration of the amount of time some people will take for no good reason.

by lombard 2008-05-25 01:55PM | 0 recs
Re: You're giving the diary too much credit

Dear Lombard:  I was spending a great deal of time at the Daily News website since I live in New York and I was reading an amazing number of posts--far more people post there than here and I was struck by how many people actual beleve those tired old chestnuts about Vince Foster etc.  One of the problems with posters here is I don't think they get out into the "real" world as often as they should.

by handsomegent 2008-05-25 02:07PM | 0 recs
OK, fair enough

But throwing gasoline on the fire by way of spreading contempt or snark is really nonproductive and extremely tiresome at this time.

Look at it this way, the incorrigible Clinton haters aren't capable of persuasion and the reasonable people on both sides don't need lessons like this.  If you're just trying to express contempt or ridicule, I think many of us on both sides have had enough of that.  

by lombard 2008-05-25 02:13PM | 0 recs
Re: OK, fair enough

Lombard I like you but please don't become a "clutching my pearls" type.  Pouring gasoline on the fire, are you kidding me after what I've been reading this weekend of all of these devious Clinton plots?-- many totally believed

by handsomegent 2008-05-25 02:17PM | 0 recs
OK, OK, your points are well taken

But I've come to the realization that the people you speak of are relatively hopeless and my efforts to battle them have taken their toll on me and have contributed to the rancorous atmosphere.

by lombard 2008-05-25 02:21PM | 0 recs
Re: OK, OK, your points are well taken

The atmosphere IS rancorous, that's why making light of this lunacy is appropriate.

by handsomegent 2008-05-25 02:25PM | 0 recs
Re: Confessions Of a

Needs more superfluous adjectives!

by Reaper0Bot0 2008-05-25 01:58PM | 0 recs
Re: Confessions Of a

No. Needs fewer words. Ideally zero.

by duende 2008-05-25 02:43PM | 0 recs
Re: Confessions Of a Hitman: You Finally Got Us.

Haven't you been banned yet for your diary about the unflattering categories that Obama supporters fall into?  Amazing.

by rfahey22 2008-05-25 03:06PM | 0 recs
Re: Confessions Of a Hitman: You Finally Got Us.

I know I was amazed that I haven't been banned yet too.  By the by I wouldn't vote to ban my worst enemy from this or any other site like it.  The only people who should be banned are those who deliberately spread false information.  It's part of a democracy to engage in discourse with our enemies.

by handsomegent 2008-05-25 03:11PM | 0 recs
Satire...

by JJE 2008-05-25 03:06PM | 0 recs
Re: Satire...

Am I missing something here?

by handsomegent 2008-05-25 03:12PM | 0 recs
Re: Satire...

Lots.

by Jeter 2008-05-25 03:27PM | 0 recs
Well I thought it was amusing

But I seem to be very much in the minority. :-)

An acquaintance once told me - no doubt after I had made some snarky remark about the Bush Administration, that satire, sarcasm and ridicule very rarely change anyone's mind. After I finished ridiculing her for saying it, I realized she is probably right. Political humor is really only effective for amusing onesself, those who totally agree, those who don't care, or those whose affinity for humor outweighs their passion for the issue at hand.

I guess I fall into the last category mostly. For example, I find a lot of Al Rodger's anti-Clinton snark to be funny, though he occasionally pushes the envelope a bit too far. Nothing he has ever said has made me reconsider my support for Hillary though - it is really only for the amusement of Al, people who are already Obama fans, and avowed Clinton haters.

Your piece has managed to piss off both Obama and Clinton fans, which is an accomplishment of sorts these days. So I salute you, handsome, for your contribution to party unity! ;-)

by itsthemedia 2008-05-25 07:33PM | 0 recs
Re: Well I thought it was amusing

Thank you isthemedia. I wrote this because the recent bruhaha (over nothing in my book) has brought back to the forefront this conspiracy theory Clinton-hating paranoia we all lived through in the 90's and beyond.

by handsomegent 2008-05-25 08:19PM | 0 recs

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