BREAKING: Santa Presumed Lost Over Bering Sea
by fogiv, Wed Dec 24, 2008 at 11:14:46 AM EST
Crossposted at the always intelligent and irreverent Motley Moose.
The US Air Force, NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command), and Pentagon sources confirm that Santa's Sleigh was lost from radar screens at 2,300 feet, somewhere over the western Bering Sea, after tracking a steep descent. Aviation experts said that if the descent continued at that rate, Holiday celebrations around the globe would likely turn somber this year.
Governor Sarah Palin (R - AK), has declared a state of emergency and insists that every available resource would be dedicated to the search and rescue effort. At a press conference with Gov. Palin, which included an odd ceremony in which a large caliber rifle was boiled then buried in her back yard, the Governor said, "We think Putin raised his head up over there in Russia, under the umbrella of job creation, also Maverick".
The holidays are upon us, making more hectic the already interesting times in which we live. Our nation's first African American president, now enjoying a Mele Kalikimaka in the Pacific, will soon take office. You know, it's still a little stunning when I allow myself to think about it: We have a black president-elect, who's most contentious and legitimate challenge came from a woman in his own party.
No matter how bad some things may look, no matter how overwhelming the problems we face, in terms of the "Big Picture", things are definitely looking up. That said, there are plenty of flotsam and jetsam coming in with the Yule-Tide.
Sarah Palin, the reindeer slayer, is praying to her tongue-tied God for a Christmas Miracle: Please keep the crackheads in my family away from reporters.. To the south and east of wild Alaska, we've got an asshole in Chicago who looks, acts (and probably smells) like a Serbian Warlord. Thanks for the cloud, Governor.
More yuck: I feel like playing a slide-whistle every time I look at the economy. Just about everyone but you and I scored a federal bail out package. In other slightly shocking news, Rick Warren is slated to give the invocation at the upcoming inauguration event. Turns out he's a total asshole on LGBT equality. There had better be some good goddamned lemonade made from that. Oh yeah, we have two wars on to boot. All that's just a taste. The tip of the proverbial iceberg. Thankfully, I'm confident that Obama is a better decision maker than Captain Edward John Smith.
In Time's recent Person of the Year issue, Obama talks a fair amount about his wish list. Given the season, we'll call it his letter to Santa:
That's clear when he offers a checklist for voters to use in judging his performance two years from now. It's quite an agenda. Listen: "Have we helped this economy recover from what is the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression? Have we instituted financial regulations and rules of the road that assure this kind of crisis doesn't occur again? Have we created jobs that pay well and allow families to support themselves? Have we made significant progress on reducing the cost of health care and expanding coverage? Have we begun what will probably be a decade-long project to shift America to a new energy economy? Have we begun what may be an even longer project of revitalizing our public-school systems?"
There's more: "Have we closed down Guantánamo in a responsible way, put a clear end to torture and restored a balance between the demands of our security and our Constitution? Have we rebuilt alliances around the world effectively? Have I drawn down U.S. troops out of Iraq, and have we strengthened our approach in Afghanistan -- not just militarily but also diplomatically and in terms of development? And have we been able to reinvigorate international institutions to deal with transnational threats, like climate change, that we can't solve on our own?"
And: "Outside of specific policy measures, two years from now, I want the American people to be able to say, 'Government's not perfect; there are some things Obama does that get on my nerves. But you know what? I feel like the government's working for me. I feel like it's accountable. I feel like it's transparent. I feel that I am well informed about what government actions are being taken. I feel that this is a President and an Administration that admits when it makes mistakes and adapts itself to new information.'"
Well, has Obama been naughty or nice? Most folks will be pretty content if he can show that he's taking effective steps toward stabilizing our teetering economy, and getting our worst unemployment rate in 26 years to start trending the other way.
Any thoughts on Obama's sense of direction? What are your priorities? What do you hope Santa brings you this year (assuming Palin not field dressing the other 17 reindeer in her basement)?