CONDI ADOPTS AFRICAN ORPHANS, TO SEND THEM TO IRAQ

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

Stung by recent criticism from Sen. Barbara Boxer that she has no immediate family members serving in Iraq, and therefore no personal stake in the war, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has made a dramatic move to remedy this situation: adopting African orphans ... and sending them to fight in Iraq.

Although most of the orphans would be well below draft age, and barely able to carry a gun, Rice emphasized that young people mature earlier and take on more significant responsibilities in African cultures.

"Just look at some of those radical Islamist militias in Somalia," Rice pointed out. "Many of their members carry blankies and AK-47s at the same time."

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=523

There's more...

BAR ASSOCIATION BANS LAWYERS FROM REPRESENTING THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

In a move that legal scholars are calling both stunning and long overdue, the American Bar Association (ABA) has issued a ruling prohibiting all lawyers from serving in, or representing, the Bush Administration.

Although this decision had been under consideration for some time, the straw that broke the camel's back was the recent statement of Charles D. Stimson, a senior Pentagon official, who condemned lawyers at leading national firms for providing representation to prisoners at Guantánamo, and suggested that corporate clients should terminate their relationship with such firms. The same point appeared Friday on the editorial page of The Wall Street Journal.

The decision by a special three-member panel of the ABA was based on a seldom-used disciplinary rule, DR-666, which provides that "a lawyer's duty of zealous representation does not apply to a client who is the devil-incarnate."

However, the decision was not unanimous, as Professor Alan Dershowitz of the Harvard Law School cast a dissenting vote, on the basis that "the ruling did not go far enough, and should have included a proviso for the torture and rendition of these right-wing lawyers."

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=517

There's more...

DEMOCRATS APPROVE `SURGE' ... AGAINST CINDY SHEEHAN

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

Following last week's televised incident, in which Democratic Caucus chairman Rahm Emanuel was interrupted by anti-war protestors led by Cindy Sheehan, the Democrats have now approved a counterinsurgency strategy: a surge against Ms. Sheehan.

Emanuel, who was trying to address Democratic plans for ethics legislation, was forced to discontinue the press conference after Sheehan's group drowned out Emanuel with their demands for a cutoff of additional funds for the Iraq War.

Consequently, Democrats, concerned that Sheehan will make them appear timid and afraid to take on Bush, have decided to flex their muscles with a two-prong strategy.

First, they plan to hire all of the former Four Star Generals fired by Bush to mount an aggressive campaign of "clear, destroy and don't rebuild" against all dwellings used by Sheehan's protestors. As Emanuel described it, "we don't care if it's just a pup tent on the side of the road ... it's going down."

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=505

There's more...

BUSH DEFENDS RIGHT TO OPEN MAIL: CLAIMS LETTER ON 9/11 PLOT FOUND LAST WEEK

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

Trying to deflect the torrent of criticism of his Signing Statement reserving the right of warrantless mail searches, President Bush today insisted that such powers were essential to U.S. national security.

Waving a dirt-encrusted and battered envelope with a postmark of September 5, 2001, Bush claimed that the Post Office had found this letter just last week, which seemed to hint at a massive and imminent attack on the United States.

Bush said that since the letter is written in Arabic, it probably won't be translated by the FBI until 2009, after he leaves office, but that he wanted to ensure that he left his successor with an expanded arsenal of powers to combat terrorism.

Since the letter repeatedly refers to "9/11," Bush assured the nation that he's pulling out all the stops in trying to thwart this plot, and that he's just grateful that the country has at least eight months to apprehend the conspirators.

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=497

There's more...

TOP TEN `BOMBSHELLS' FROM RUDY'S SECRET DOSSIER

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

By now, you've surely heard about the leak of a 140-page secret dossier laying out Rudy Giuliani's masterplan for a 2008 presidential bid, including aides' concerns about his chief vulnerabilities. But press reports have left out the most explosive revelations contained in this highly confidential document:

10. "Mr. 9/11" sleeps with a Teddy Bear given to him by Bernard Kerik.

9. Rudy's biggest liability with evangelicals: perception of name as "Jew-liani."

8. Rudy's biggest liability in South: not abortion stand, but NY Yankee logo tattooed on ass.

7. Rudy's biggest asset in South: that his first wife was his cousin.

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=494

There's more...

BOB WOODWARD'S ULTIMATE SCOOP: GALLOWS INTERVIEW WITH SADDAM

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

Proving once again that his inside access as a journalist is unparalleled, Bob Woodward, appearing today with Larry King, discussed his exclusive interview with Saddam Hussein -- conducted just moments before the deposed Iraqi dictator was hanged for his crimes.

Wearing the black hood of the executioner to conceal his identity, a trick he learned during Watergate days from Deep Throat, Woodward extracted truly remarkable revelations from Saddam, even as Woodward placed the noose around the doomed man's neck.

The transcript released by Woodward reveals that Saddam was strongly opposed to the U.S. invasion, but was reluctant to publicly criticize the Bush Administration, according to the longstanding protocol of honor among thieves.

Hussein also confesses to Woodward that although he always despised Bush 41 for kicking him out of Kuwait, he subsequently developed a grudging respect for the old man, especially after witnessing the rank incompetence of his son, who he referred to as the "not so great Satan."

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=492

There's more...

FORGET SAFIRE; HERE'S THE `SATIRE OFFICE POOL'

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

Tired of Bill Safire's annual "Office Pool" column in The New York Times? -- the 2007 version of which appeared today. Sick of his not-so-subtle slants to reflect his right-wing wish list? Well, here then, is the only Office Pool you need, the First Annual "Office Satire Pool" for 2007:

1. George Bush will:

(a) stay the course, (b) give in to his urge to surge, (c) cut and run, (d) cut his wrists.

I hope for (d), but fear it'll be (b).

2. Dick Cheney will push for the invasion of:

(a) Iran, (b) Syria, (c) Iraq, all over again, (d) The Democratic-controlled House and Senate.

My pick: All of the above.

3. Osama bin Laden will:

(a) be captured while dining with Pakistan President Musharraf, (b) take over as the lead anchor on Al Jazeera, (c) be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Bush, for ensuring W's re-election.

The answer is (a), but you won't hear about it, since Bush needs both Musharraf and bin Laden.

4. Which politician's platform to battle the E. coli threat will be most ridiculed:

(a) Hillary Clinton's centrist-tacking "All meat should be safe, legal and rare," (b) John McCain's "Send in more bacteria," (c) John Kerry's "How do you ask a man to die for a last steak."

Obviously (c), which will be played to death by the Swift Meat Company veterans.

5. Which position will the extreme Right-Wing do a dramatic reversal on:

(a) abortion, (b) tax cuts for the wealthy, (c) global warming, (d) human cloning.

The correct answer is (d) human cloning, which has already occurred, based on the fact that Pat Buchanan appears simultaneously on every cable news station.

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=491

There's more...

BILL O'REILLY'S TWELVE DAYS OF THE WAR ON XMAS

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com/

On the first day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
A Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the second day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the third day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

On the fourth day of the War on Christmas
My multi-cultural enemies gave to me . . .
Four Kwanzaa kinaras
Three French Kerrys
Two lesbian moms
And a Muslim Congressman swearing on the Koran

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=482

There's more...

CHRISTIAN RIGHT EMBRACES CHENEY'S DAUGHTER AS THE NEW 'VIRGIN MARY'

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

In a dramatic turnabout from its previous harsh condemnation, the Christian Coalition has decided to embrace Dick Cheney's pregnant lesbian daughter, claiming that she's actually the Second Coming of the Virgin Mary.

Reached at his offices at Liberty University, the Reverend Jerry Falwell conceded that the Christian Right had been shortsighted in trying to boot this Mary out of the manger, when she actually offered a tremendous upside to the evangelical cause.

"Let's face it," Falwell stated, "she is a 'Mary,' she's probably technically a virgin, and it wouldn't really surprise me if her life partner was a carpenter."

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=473

There's more...

BUSH GETS ADVICE FROM HIS 'HIGHER FATHER'

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

"PAY ATTENTION, GEORGE, THIS IS MY BEST OFFER -TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. YOU GET OUR TROOPS ON THE FIRST BUS HOME OUTTA' BAGHDAD, YOU ARRANGE FOR CHENEY'S CRUCIFIXION, AND YOU TENDER YOUR RESIGNATION. THEN MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, I CAN KEEP YOU OUT OF HELL."

FOR ACCOMPANYING PHOTOTOON, see http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=458

There's more...

Diaries

Advertise Blogads