by altara, Mon Jan 05, 2009 at 02:14:11 AM EST
HIGHLIGHTS FOR 2009
Former NBA star Charles Barkley has announced his intention to enter politics and run for governor of Alabama. However, in stating graphically that he ran a stop sign in his haste to obtain a certain physical pleasure, he hasundoubtedly disqualified himself as too honest to succeed as a politician.*
Caroline Kennedy seeks post of UN Secretary General.
Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald refused to comment on the rumor that IllinoisGovernor Rod Blagojevich had reached a plea bargain deal with the government. The terms of the deal supposedly calls for deposit of $500,000 in the Governor's Swiss bank account, as well as a cushy job for his wife.
Brett Favre says he plans to retire from his job as Jet's quarterback.
Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales asserts that he was a casualty of the war on terror, not a culprit. At the same time, he announced the formation of a law firm, partnering with former Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers. The firm intends to specialize on human rights issues.
Zbigniew Brzezinski calls his daughter "stunningly superficial"
Bush - Cheney Legacy
The White House announced the naming of James Frey as official historian of the Bush-Cheney administration. It was felt that Mr. Frey is the author most qualified to do justice to the success and honor of this eight year administration. Mr Frey is most famous for his best selling memoir, "A Million Little Pieces".
GM Buys Chrysler, Plans to Move All Operations to South Carolina
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin claims turkey slaughter during her press conference was a terrible mistake. She had pardoned all those turkeys earlier in the day.
Hillary Clinton takes unauthorized trip to Moscow. The Secretary of State said that it was perfectly appropriate for her to travel to meet with Prime Minister Putin since she had known him for many years. A statement from President Obama's office noted that there had not been sufficient advance work, not referring to "preconditions" of course.
Pope complains to Obama. Pope Benedict XVI joined several European heads of states in a communiqué to President-elect Obama complaining that they have been unable to obtain tickets to his inauguration. They pleaded for his intervention on their behalf. In reply, Obama spokesman David Axelrod noted that, because of widespread demand, it would be extremely difficult but that he would see what he could.do.