Paul Broun: The Sugar Plum Tea Bagger

The average American’s concept of government workers is that they lounge all day on comfy divans while being fanned by servants who peel grapes in return for fabulous riches and a retirement plan bigger than Bill Gates’. Oh, and they have guaranteed lifetime employment and don’t have to pay taxes either.

In other words, with the taxpayers all snug in their beds, visions of fairy tales dance in their heads.

Government Slackers
Where do the fairy tales come from? Why, from people like Tea Bagging, “Stupidest Member of Congress” nominee Rep. Paul Broun. In his words:

“We’ve got to stop the outrageous spending that’s going on. We hear the CBO says, well if we don’t raise the debt limit, it’s going to put so many people out of work. I don’t remember the number, I think it’s 250,000 or something, are gonna be put out of work. Well, those are gonna be government employees that are put out of work.

There aren’t many people who’d argue cuts are unneeded. Private sector workers – who apparently have “real jobs” -  are losing them, unlike their company’s top executives. It’s only fair that true inefficiencies in government be rooted out and with it, unfortunately, their jobs. Sharing the pain at moments like this can’t be helped.

However, choosing the “250,000 or something” candidates based on the assumption they’re goldbrickers is arrogant as hell. Who exactly are these people and does Broun know one damn thing about them or their jobs? Well, if he can’t remember whether there are 2 or 250,000 lazy government sponges it seems he’s maybe a little fuzzy on the details.

Broun apparently thinks cutting government is easy – as easy as pulling out his trusty chainsaw and going all Paul Bunyan on it. He could come up with the whole deal by simply cutting the military. They have 3 million troops, what could be easier? Hey, needlessly getting your ass shot off to protect some crapulent Afghan thieves and Congressional goobers is about as cushy a federal job there is. Just ask the troops. But, make sure they’re unarmed first.

DIY Flowbeeing
What about the personal Congressional staffers and Capitol police? We can do without them. I don’t have a staff and still have enough time to watch Broun embarrass himself on C-SPAN. Hey, just for good measure lets can the Capitol barbers and lazy ass Congressional Dining Room staff too. I’m sure Broun’s hoi polloi would be more than agreeable to Flowbeeing their own hair, bussing their own tables, and washing their own dishes. They might even have enough time to take calls from lobbyists when they’re done with their effortless tasks.

But perhaps the greatest savings would be to cut just one supremely indolent government employee. I believe his name is Paul Broun. The savings on his perks, free healthcare, and better than private sector pension could finance the Global War of Error for about 6 minutes. His free franking privileges are probably worth a couple thousand, easy. Besides, he and his cronies have control of the purse strings and are clearly honest enough to make these mandatory cuts. I trust ‘em, don’t you?

I know it’s a lot to ask of politicians these days, particularly one bagging so much tea the Lipton Tea Taster would get a hard-on, but could they please understand what they’re saying before they say it? I imagine government employees would really appreciate it.

And, so would the rest of us.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

 

 

 

Christine O’Donnell: The Day the Laughter Dies

It’s a hard political season and we can all do with a little comic relief. That lovable lunkhead, Sarah Moosilini, wore a bit thin when she began inundating the country with her 140-word Twitternouncements. Susan Angle brought the funny for awhile, but she’s a dark comic who always leaves audiences a little edgy about whether she’ll exercise her Sec0nd Amendment freedoms on their asses.

Now, there’s Christine O’Donnell.

This chick is a laugh-a-minute. She can claim masturbation is vitrual adultery while keeping a vapid, cute little gapped tooth smile on her chipmunk-serious face. She claims she started dating by canoodling behind the altar with a witchcrafter down at the Wicca Wig Wam and Occult Church and then laughed it off with the airiest, most delightful grin – though the Wiccas seem none too pleased. But Wiccas, cheer up! Republicans didn’t like her at first either, but now she’s growing on them!

However, like any good comedienne, she has a dark side. Her belief that she can cure homosexuals of screaming cases of The Gay™ has alienated more than one of her “friends” and some of her former campaign officials made robocalls against her the day before the primary. And, it seems, she has more skeletons in her Halloween-hating closet than they have down at the Spirit Halloween Superstore.

Combine serious charges of tax delinquency, misappropriation of campaign funds, stiffing her vendors from previous campaigns, and the miscellany that all candidates pick up while swimming in the political death pool and her cute-as-a-button smile might just get wiped off her smug mug in the near future.

As O’Donnell and other attendees at the Tea Par-Tay make it to ballots, there’s much being said about their influence. Dems are rubbing their hands together like a stoned raccoon at a hot dog convention, lulled into Christmas-night dreams of a political disaster averted. The Republicans are asking Daniel Webster to reconsider that whole agreement he negotiated with the devil for them. Independents are frozen in the headlights, unsure which way to turn to avoid the scruffy riff-raff who rave like soap box preachers downtown. And the Baggers themselves? They don’t even get the joke.

The secret to good comedy is to take it right to the edge and not a smidge farther. Making people uncomfortable is OK, profoundly scaring them isn’t. There’s still time before the elections for another few rounds of Palin/Angle/O’Donnell jokes, but not much. It’s about time the adults break up the party and start cleaning things up for the election. We’re tired of laughing to avoid crying. Our sides are split from so much myrth. We just can’t take it any more…

No, really. We can’t.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

 

 

 

The Republicans: Poised at the Glory Hole

As we enter the midterm elections the US is like a ship without a rudder – or more appropriately, a ship with a broken one. Obamanism has had mixed results at best with as much complaint from the left as the right. Approval ratings for Congressional Democrats are lower than whale crap at the bottom of the Marianas Trench and for Republicans … well, let’s just say they’re so bad even The Big Dick™ would flinch at the numbers.

The prevailing wisdom is that Republicans will romp and take back Congress for Contract on America – Part Deux. John “Agent of Orange” Boehner and Mitch “Yertle the Turtle” McConnell will rise to the podium and try to control their herd of cats better than the Democrats’ disgraceful performance.

Being egotistical, intransigent buffoons they’ll surely prattle on about non-existent mandates, promises of a new beginning, and demands that anyone – left, right, or center – genuflect and kiss their rings (and their asses too while they’re down there).

After 10 years of Republicans who rule and oppose rule like bungs in the hole of democracy, they’ll find a country a whole lot harder to govern than they remember. First, they were the ones to lay George’s flaming bags of dog crap on America’s front porch for someone else to solve (it turns out, poorly) and the country is none too happy about it.

Second, they will have to expand their limited single word, monosyllabic platform beyond “no” – and hell no, “Hell no” won’t do.

And most dicey, they’ll have to pay for all those Tea Parties they attended so giddily. Now that the Baggers are beginning to spectacularly embarrass or outright turn on them, they’ll have to figure out what to do with the Mad Hatter crowd. The Baggers may be imbeciles, but they’re hell-bent on Change No One Can Believe In and the hell with Hope, Republicans, and the portion of voters who have more brain cells than a doughnut.

The prospect this year’s turnover signals a permanent American move somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan and the foundation for a glorious thousand year Reich is far-fetched (and no, I’m not comparing them to Nazis, only to idiots). They built the gallows over the past 10 years and laid out more than enough rope to hang themselves. And because Dems are the limpest politicians on Earth, they’ll unwittingly help the Republicans put the noose on by doing exactly what they did under the reign of Bush the Lesser and The Messiah – cower and agree with the Republicans on every issue because their natural response to bullies is to pee down their own legs. In other words, the Republicans and their in-bred cousins, the Tea Baggers, will prove they are their own worst enemies.

When Nancy Pelosi rose to power, I cautioned Democrats against being too effusive over what the historic change meant. They didn’t listen. They fist pumped, whooped and hollered, and shit in their own mess kits. I’m cautioning the Republicans against the same thing. However, being recidivist crapweasels I’m sure they’ll pour it on even thicker than the Democrats.

Republicans, ignore me at your peril. Before you even regain power, I can already see how you’ll lose it just as spectacularly as you did before, only the timetable is still left to complete.

Hopefully, you’ll lose it by 2012. We’re in bad enough shape already.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

 

 

 

You Know You Might Be a Tea Partier If…

NOT KNOWING YOUR VAGINA FROM A HOLE IN THE HEAD - A perfect demonstration of what happens when you don't believe in funding schools.

You know you might be a tea partier if you:

  • Go ballistic at being called a “tea bagger” while holding a sign that says, “Tea bag Obama before he tea bags you.”
  • Protest socialized medicine while carrying a Medicare card in your pocket.
  • Think the entire US Constitution should be repealed…except for the Second Amendment.
  • Believe only those to the ideological right of Genghis Khan are “mainstream Americans”.
  • Can never remember the difference between socialism and fascism.
  • Know that Barack Obama is probably a legal resident of Kenya, but highly suspect he may actually be an illegal alien…from the planet Nebulon 4.
  • Keep trying to tell people that members of the party are nice, normal, level-headed people…while standing atop a box full of oranges stolen from a migrant farm worker, waving an automatic weapon over your head, and starting your speech by yelling, “IT’S TIME TO TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK!”
  • Find that facts and rational thought give you headaches.
  • Think the country will get along  just fine if we abolish all taxes while criticizing Democrats for their handling of the economy.
  • Are foursquare in favor of good schools and good roads, just not raising money to build them.
  • See democracy as one-party rule…and neither party is the Democrats or Republicans.
  • Think Ronald Reagan was, “The Great Communicator” despite the fact he couldn’t complete a speech without Nancy standing behind him screaming the speech into his ear trumpet.
  • Believe that the biggest problem with Democrats in general, and Obama in particular, is that they breathe.
  • Believe Richard Nixon, Barry Goldwater, and Joseph McCarthy were far too liberal for your tastes.
  • Wrap yourself in the flag and festooned every inch of your clothing in American flag pins while advocating armed resistance to the government and/or secession from the Union.
  • Don’t seem to be bothered by an extension of unemplyment benifits if you are unemployed, but change your positiohn when you find a job.
  • Are excited about the prospect of taking America boldly forward…into the 18th Century.
  • Think Sarah Palin  should be the next President, but unfortunately wears high-heeled shoes.
  • Think Glenn Beck is, “so down to Earth.”

  • Think reporters should only ask questions you want to answer…under penalty of death.
  • Criticize politicians for being against something before they were for it while lionizing John McCain.
  • Read an article about BP ignoring hundreds of safety regulations and conclude the problem is too many regulations.
  • Believe that allowing lobbyists to write legislation will lead to a cost savings big enough to offset the Bush tax cuts…not that you have to pay for them or anything.
  • Believe that the possibility of having to share a shower with a soldier who may or not be gay will lead to the entire US Armed Forces deserting their posts to take their showers at the local fitness club…without considering gay men who exercise.
  • Dress exclusively in tri-cornered hats and “Don’t Tread on Me” T-shirts.
  • Can no longer remember if the stars go on the top or the bottom when you fly the US flag.
  • Protest “taxation without representation”…in front of the office of your Congressman.
  • Think the Gulf Oil Disaster was actually a plot headed up by Barrack Obama.
  • Immediately change your position on an issue after finding out a liberal agreed with you.
  • Decry partisanship while wearing a T-Shirt that says, “NOT NO, BUT HELL NO!”
  • Think the answer to illegal immigration is to, “jail ‘em all and let God sort it out”.
  • Think John Boehner has a really great tan.
  • Don’t see the irony when Bobby Jindal thinks we should profile Hispanics and jail them all immediately if they don’t have a Green Card on them.
  • Think that building a mosque a few blocks from Ground Zero is a greater affront than attacking the WTC in the first place.
  • Don’t know what Sharia law is, but you’re in favor of expelling all Muslims from the US.
  • Think Fred Phillips is generally correct on his ideas, he just comes on a little strong.
  • Think Pat Robertson was right in claiming God sent hurricane Andrew to teach all them Palm Beach Nancy Boys a little sumpin’ sumpin’ about decent behavior.
  • Attend a 1000-person rally against being called racist when there are only three black people in the crowd…all of whom “pass” if need be.
  • Refer to Sarah Palin as, “The Grizzly Whisperer”.
  • You yell about health care reform bringing “death panels” while not noticing we already have them…the insurance companies call the “managed care boards”.
  • Think Sean Hannity is, “going soft”.
  • Decry frivolous lawsuits while cheering Orly Taitz as she files dozens of suits challenging Obama’s citizenship.
  • Think anyone with more that a semester at the local community college is a member of the intellectual elite.
  • You are a “regular” Republican in Tea Partiers’ clothing.
  • Carry a handgun into church to listen to the sermon…God is a God of Peace.
  • Have no sense of irony.
  • Are a Texan or Arizonan.
  • Prefer Astroturf over natural grass.
  • Don’t get that last joke.
  • Think the funniest thing you’ve ever heard is Jeff Foxworthy doing his You Might Be a Redneck If…bit.

Cross Posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

 

 

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