FORGET SAFIRE; HERE'S THE `SATIRE OFFICE POOL'

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

Tired of Bill Safire's annual "Office Pool" column in The New York Times? -- the 2007 version of which appeared today. Sick of his not-so-subtle slants to reflect his right-wing wish list? Well, here then, is the only Office Pool you need, the First Annual "Office Satire Pool" for 2007:

1. George Bush will:

(a) stay the course, (b) give in to his urge to surge, (c) cut and run, (d) cut his wrists.

I hope for (d), but fear it'll be (b).

2. Dick Cheney will push for the invasion of:

(a) Iran, (b) Syria, (c) Iraq, all over again, (d) The Democratic-controlled House and Senate.

My pick: All of the above.

3. Osama bin Laden will:

(a) be captured while dining with Pakistan President Musharraf, (b) take over as the lead anchor on Al Jazeera, (c) be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Bush, for ensuring W's re-election.

The answer is (a), but you won't hear about it, since Bush needs both Musharraf and bin Laden.

4. Which politician's platform to battle the E. coli threat will be most ridiculed:

(a) Hillary Clinton's centrist-tacking "All meat should be safe, legal and rare," (b) John McCain's "Send in more bacteria," (c) John Kerry's "How do you ask a man to die for a last steak."

Obviously (c), which will be played to death by the Swift Meat Company veterans.

5. Which position will the extreme Right-Wing do a dramatic reversal on:

(a) abortion, (b) tax cuts for the wealthy, (c) global warming, (d) human cloning.

The correct answer is (d) human cloning, which has already occurred, based on the fact that Pat Buchanan appears simultaneously on every cable news station.

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=491

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IRAQIS ISSUE 'THE U.S. STUDY GROUP REPORT'

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

While all of the media attention has been sucked up by The Iraq Study Group, flying under the radar is a parallel report on the United States,prepared by a bipartisan group of Iraqi clerics.

"The U.S. Study Group Report," also known as the al-Sadr Report, after the radical Shiite cleric, concludes that the condition of the United States is "grave and deteriorating."

The Report points to a dysfunctional electoral system, an inability to devise coherent immigration or health care programs, and America's disturbing obsession with crass game shows that feature scantily-clad women holding up dollar signs.

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=448

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BUSH IS STOOD UP; MALIKI STANDS DOWN; LET'S GET THIS OVER AND BRING IN THE CLOWNS

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

In an incident virtually unprecedented in the carefully-choreographed world of diplomacy, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki snubbed Bush at a planned summit meeting in Amman, Jordan, creating speculation about a rift between the two leaders.

Maliki was apparently upset by a leaked memo from the Bush Administration, which called Maliki's manhood into question with the ultimate insult for an Iraqi Shiite: that he couldn't hit the side of a fallen Saddam Hussein statue with the bottom of his shoe.

White House spokesman Tony Snow tried to minimize the incident, claiming that there was simply a mix-up over the restaurant at which the meeting was scheduled, since Amman has over 900 eateries named "Mohammed's" (as well as 500 Original Ray's Pizzas).

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=434

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WHAT IF THEY GAVE AN IRAQ STUDY GROUP, AND NOBODY CAME

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

While what little remains of Iraq seems to be going up in flames each day, many people are asking just where in the name of Moktada al-Sadr is the Iraq Study Group? Will they hand in their final term paper not only after the semester ends, but after the University of Baghdad is completely sacked?

Well, it is now being reported that the members of the so-called Baker Commission are engaging in massive civil disobedience, as they refuse to venture even into Baghdad's Green Zone to complete their studies.

Instead, they were spotted burning their Iraq Study Group membership cards, as they marched behind Cindy Sheehan on the Washington Mall, chanting "Make Love, Not War," and "Hell No, We Won't Go."

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=427

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NEW SECDEF GATES ASSUMES 'THE WEIGHT' (TAKE A LOAD OFF RUMMY)

Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com

I've taken the liberty of rewriting The Weight, The Band classic, as a service to Secretary of Defense-in-waiting Robert Gates, as he confronts the nightmare that awaits him in Iraq, thanks to "41's" attempt to salvage the legacy of his wayward son:

I pulled into Baghdad, Iraq was 'bout half past dead
I just need some place, where the violence is not widespread
"Hey, mister, can you tell me, where a man won't just be bled?"
He just grinned and shot my hand, and "No!" was all he said

Take a load off Rummy, can Iraq be free?
Take a load off Rummy, And ... and ... and ... you put the load right on me

I picked up my M-16, I went lookin' for a place to hide
When I saw al-Maliki, and al-Sadr walkin' side by side
I said, "Hey, Maliki, come on, let's go to the Green Zone"
He said, "I gotta go, but m'friend can take the throne"

CONTINUED at: http://satiricalpolitical.com/?p=409

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