Rep. Joe Walsh, What About You?

Frosh Republican Rep. Joe Walsh – thankfully not related to the musician who’s 100 times more intelligent, even accounting for his heavy recreational pharmaceutical use -  thinks President Care Bear was elected because, “he pushed that magical button: a black man who was articulate, liberal, the whole white guilt, all of that.”

I’ll concede Obama’s articulate, but if Bush the Lesser had been more articulate maybe we might have understood what he was mumbling before it was too late to stop the moron. Trivially, but as for being black, his census block is marked “mixed”.

But, the guilt?


Is the Race Glass Half Guilty?

I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m white. I voted for him. In fact, I’ve voted exclusively for white men in every election I’ve cast a vote, despite women and blacks running in all of them. I didn’t guiltily (or half-guiltily) vote for him because he’s (half) black, nor articulate, nor particularly liberal. And, my current dislike of him isn’t for any of those reasons either.I’m not happy because I don’t think his policies are very good – but I knew that going in. I also knew that compared to the other jackwads running, he was golden.

I reluctantly voted for him because John McCain showed the critical thinking skills of a ham sandwich in picking his running mate, has a skin thinner than a condom, and panders to anyone whose zipper his arthritic fingers can pull down.

In other words, if Obama won on who he is, McTheusela lost on who he is.

Neither do I think that every person who voted against him is racist, an idiot, or a Nazi (sanity I can’t vouch for). And, I don’t know that he got any more of a free ride from the media than McTheusela either. Media attention waxes and wanes on what pulls in the numbers and that unfortunately changes based on no formula in any textbook I know of (even the ones that tout Creationism).

Never Count on Great Legs to Save the Day
Early on, in fact, the talking heads had Johnny elected before anyone even knew who Obama was. Later, I think you could also make a pretty good argument that the media fawned over Gov. Mosselini based on her inarticulateness and great legs. No one made her speak stupidly. The legs are genetic.

Joe, even if all your charges are true … even if there was white guilt … even if there were black racists and whites as pure as, well, the driven (white) snow … even if there were people who inexplicably liked a person who could talk, there is one immutable fact: you, a white, inarticulate, non-racist, thin-skinned, whining Republican Tea Bagger managed to get elected.

How do you explain that?

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

 

 

 

Michele Bachmann, Amy Myers: ‘Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!’

Michele Bachmann is a multi-talented woman. Conspiracy theorist. Miscommunication expert – in both the with and without 100 word freestyle Teleprompter events. Spinner of wild fantasies. Stand up comedian. The list is endless. She’s a barrel of laughs. The nation is lucky to have such comic relief in an era of unbroken heartbreak.

She’s also a member of the ignorati, those folks possessing brains the rough size and intellectual heft of an overcooked turnip. Aside from the obvious, we know she is a card-carrying member because a New Jersey high school sophomore wants to go mano a mano with ‘Chele in a debate about civics, history, and the Constitution. A debate that’ll never happen in a million years.

Amy Will Take Her in Three Rounds
Amy Myers, has Michele’s number though. “The frequent inability you have shown to accurately and factually present even the most basic information about the United States,” pits “my public education against your advanced legal education,” Amy says.

I’ll bet on Amy, even if she is one of the Every Child Left Behind generation.

“As one of a handful of women in Congress, you hold a distinct privilege and responsibility to better represent your gender nationally,” Amy says. “Though politically expedient, incorrect comments cast a shadow on your person and by unfortunate proxy, both your supporters and detractors alike often generalize this shadow to women as a whole.”

I’d be happy if she better represented the human race, but I’m always left hanging.

Will Michele take up the challenge? I doubt it. She may be stupid, but she’s just smart enough to understand Amy would hand her perky little ass to her on a platter. Sort of a Glenn Beck in a conservative cloth coat.

No Michele will “debate” her goobulent peers instead. Sarah Palin. Newt “The Snoot” Gingrich. Rick “Lock Me Away In a Sanitorium” Santorum. Donald “King of the Motherfu*kin’ World” Trump – even though he’s dropped out of the race and Michele keeps asking him where he got the “hot” do.

A Plaid Skirt Covered Ass
It’s a sad state of affairs when an allegedly serious candidate for public office wouldn’t know a fact if it bit her on her plaid skirt-covered ass. It’s a sad state of affairs when a 16-year old calls you out for your stupidity. And it’s really sad that a serious candidate won’t engage in the debate because she can’t comprehend the kid’s letter.

“Proxy? Huh?”

I’m ready to start the Smoothie Party right now. No more of this Chai Tea and Sumatran blend coffee party stuff. I’m willing to vote for Amy now. You should be too. We need someone with an ounce of sense in the White House. Someone to rebut the tea swillers and miscreants. Someone who knows the meaning of “proxy”. Someone, dare I say it, with a brain.

Come on ! Who’s with me?!!

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

My Conversation With Donald Trump

OK, I admit it. I’m not a US citizen. I’ll never be President. I’ll be a permanent member of the no-fly list and my phone will be constantly bugged. Jan Brewer will kick me out of the country because I have no papers proving who I am or where I was born. I’m very disappointed to find I’m some sort of exotic, white “anchor baby“.

Note to self: Avoid Arizona.

Now I know what it’s like to be Barack Hussein Obama – if that is indeed his real name.

Family legend said I was born in Elkins, WV. But sorting through my personal papers I was unable to find a real birth certificate bearing the imprint of Orly Taitz‘s signet ring in wax. In fact, I don’t even have a pitiful “Certificate of Live Birth” like Obama’s. All I have is a scrap of paper looking as though it’s been ripped from a ship’s log. All it says is, “A kid was born just off the coast of Somalia during our last pirate takeover. Don’t know his name. Not sure of the date, but it wasn’t long ago. But this is all the proof he needs to show he was actually born. He’ll probably grow up to be a liberal communist anyway.” It was signed and Ensign Hikaru Hussein Sulu.

My Mom Was a Nigerian Official’s Wife
As I dug deeper, I learned I’d been abandoned to a Norfelia Lumbago, the wife of a Nigerian government official who couldn’t access his money held up in Banco Lagos until he came out of exile. Apparently, I had a very poor childhood. Mom never did get the money.

From Lagos, I went to a madrasa in Pakistan where I learned a useful trade making amateur Betamax videos for worldwide news distribution. It was a very prestigious career. I was even allowed to sleep on the softest rocks in our Tora Bora studio cave. I minored in bomb making.

I tell you all of that to tell you this, I – like every member of the Republican Party – want to run for President in 2012. I figured I’d be a shoo-in with a platform of rolling government back to its state in 1850 and by being the first Presidential candidate running with two part-time Vice Presidential candidates. Michele Bachmann, because she looks so scrumptious in a bikini and always tells the truth as relayed to her by God. And, Sarah Palin because she looks adorable with that naughty school marm vibe she has going on. Plus, she said she could only be Vice President for half a term. She needed to take time off for the salmon fishing and snowmobile racing seasons.

Just as I was ready to launch my pre-campaign to decide whether I was going to kick off my exploratory committee leading to my final decision to announce, at some time in the future, that I thought I might be running, but tell everyone, “I might be running or I might not be running. That’s for me to know and you to find out,” Donald Trump called.

A ‘Fabulous Opportunity’
Of course I met with The Donald™ – that’s what his friends call him. I believe I’m the third or fourth friend he has. I’m so honored. During the meeting he told me he had a fabulous opportunity for me. He said, “I have a fabulous opportunity for you.”

He said, “I’m richer than God and the smartest man in the world too. Of course, that goes without saying. I know I can talk to you like I’ll talk to Cesar Chavez and convince him to give us his oil for free. Nothing to it. It’s an exciting, fabulous, stupendous piece of cake. I’d offer him a casino or a missile up his butt and he’d be all over the deal. Fantastic. Smart man, that Chavez. No nose for business though. Not like me. I’m world-famous. I even have my own university for God’s sake.”

“Um Mr. Trump, I’m a little confused. Why did you invite me to this fabulous, high-end Waffle House to talk?”

Mr. Trump Loves the Waffles
“Well first, I love the waffles. But I really want to make you a deal, because you know, I know, you know what a fabulous businessman I am.”

“Here’s the deal. A really good deal. Fantastic actually. You show me your birth certificate – because we all know you’re lying about having one – and I’ll release my tax information. I gave the same deal to Obama, but the man is an imbecile. Turned me down. Shows why I’m rich and he’s not.”

“Of course everyone would read it and see just how rich I am. Mega-rich! Uber-rich! Richest man in the world, no matter what Forbes says! They always hated me for being so rich, but I’m going to buy their lying asses out. It’ll be a fabulous deal.”

“So when can we sign the papers? I’ll even let you keep the luxurious gold Bic embossed with the Trump logo if you want.”

That’s how I came to tell this story now. My campaign is in ruins. I told the truth about not being a citizen and Mr. Trump released his taxes. He was right, it caused quite a stir.

Mr. Trump offered me a lot of money, a fabulous amount actually, to go away. That’s how I’ve become a rich man like Mr. Trump. I have millions now and Mr. Trump found me a fabulous new job as Venezuelan oil minister. I get to do super deals and money is no object. I’m smarter now that I’m rich too. Cesar and I go to dinner all the time. We’re great friends because we’re both so rich and I still have that butt-missile Mr. Trump gave me wholesale (because multi-millionaires never pay retail). But I’m terribly sad about one thing … I really miss Sarah and Michele. We could really do some fancy clubbing down here. I even have a penthouse in the Trump Caracas Holiday Inn.

Fabulous! Just super-gargantuous really!

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

 

Don't Know Much About . . .

well, anything.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Republican Presidential field for 2012, a bunch of regressive, know nothing ignoramuses.

The parody of Sam Cooke's Wonderful World is from Sad n Mad Productions.

OMG, I Agree With Michele Bachmann!

In the midst of the crapstorm that has become life in these United States, I sometimes feel as if I’ve slipped into a parallel dimension populated exclusively by tea partiers, Glen Beck clones, Sarah Palin stand up comedians, and our reigning dizzy queen Michele Bachmann. That’s why when I agreed with one of her statements, I headed straight for the antipsychotics.

Please God, don’t let me die a “dittohead”!

The Maybe I’ll Certainly Run for President in 2012 Unless I Change My Mind Before Deciding to Redecide Again candidate laid into The Messiah™ for leading his uncoalesced coalition into Libya. Not surprisingly she’s against it, though I’m confident she would’ve been for it if Obama had decided against intervention. But this this time? I agree with her.

Doin’ the Tripoli Tango
Obama made a mistake in entering the fray. Michele and I agree there seems to be little compelling strategic US interest involved. As for the humanitarianism angle, there are places that DO involve strategic US interests AND plenty of poor wretches being ground under the jackboots of a dozen Col. Loony Toons and DickTaters. We aren’t feeling particularly humanitarian there, so WTF? The US simply cannot be the world’s cop. There’s an infinite supply of bad people and you can’t wipe them all out without weakening yourself. Even Bush the Lesser understood that, though he sometimes didn’t act that way.

I think Michele’s a little weak on the whole “al Qaeda” is afoot angle and by referring to the fiasco in the making as the “Obama Doctrine” she’s ignoring the fact that one decision does not a full doctrine make. These decisions should and are based on the conditions at the moment, whether they’re good or bad.

Now, we’re  seeing the ghosts of neo-conservatism on Obama. He’s apparently signed a “secret order” authorizing covert support for the Libyan rebels. We’re slow learners about this whole, “let’s have a big freedom party and call all the poor kids over for punch, cookies, and purple thumb votes” thing. See Exhibits A (Iraq), B (Afghanistan), C-Z (dozens of other places where we’ve intervened to no great or lasting effect).

In case you haven’t noticed, democracies ain’t easy. If they were, the US would be in a lot better shape than we are. Bringing freedom to people takes more than no-fly zones, 10+ year wars, or secret orders. It’s an illusive thing being imposed on countries that have no real government to begin with – much less a democratic one. It’s a step learning curve, particularly when you’re being shelled by heavy artillery.

What’s it All Not About?
The question here isn’t whether the Carebear acted too slow or too fast. The question isn’t that he pulled together a coalition – no matter how feeble it is. It’s not about using the UN for a fig leaf. It’s not about how or if he consulted Congress. It’s not about whether he’s more inconsistent than George, because they both were. It’s about why we went in and now that we’re there, how the hell we’re going to exit.

The secret order suggests he’s going down the same rabbit hole as our previous Emperor. We’re already hearing about how things are just going ducky and how we’ll be out of Gaddafistan within days or months. It all sounds distressingly like the nearly 8-years the Dub prattled on about how things would be over soon in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Yeah, how’s that working out for us?

Never go into a battle unless you know what it means to win and how you will win the peace as well. If you’re stupid enough to go in and it becomes plain you had the intelligence of a donut to do it, figure out how you’re going to back out, gracefully or otherwise. The battlefield of statecraft is pock-marked by the bodies of countries that don’t learn those lessons. I don’t know about you, but I’m not in the mood for contributing more cannon fodder for a questionable war.

So Michele, hat’s off to you!

Maybe there’s hope for you yet.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

 

 

 

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