Lawmakers Consider Alternative Plan to Break Budget Impasse

Washington – Details of a secret Congressional plan to break the long-standing deadlock in budget negotiations leaked out Thursday. US lawmakers are considering the use of an unorthodox method favored by the Kyrgyzstani Parliament – sacrificial sheep.

Although Kyrgyzstanis use it for banishing the twin devils of ethnic strife and revolution, Kyrgyzstani oil lobbyist Zhogorku Kenesh said the ritual could be redesigned for US budget purposes for as little as KGS 7 billion Kyrgyzstani som and an arranged lesbian marriage of President Obama’s eldest daughter Malia Ann Obama to Kyrgyz President Roza Otunbayeva.

The initial proposal, offered by Republicans, called for 6 sheep to be slaughtered and placed on a huge altar recently dedicated at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum in Simi Valley, CA. However, the proposal immediately met resistance from members of the Republican’s own Christian conservative wing.

“We’re not so bothered by the pagan ritual – after all, it’s for debt reduction and tax incentives for conservative Christian churches – but slaughtering 6 sheep is totally unacceptable,” said Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association.

666, The Mark of The Beast
“The number 6 is an important, symbolic number for Christians. It constitutes one-third of the dangerous mark of the beast, 666. By allowing this number of the Muslim devils in this most unholiest of ways, we are inviting doom and total annihilation by one-third of the Islamic radical empire,” Fischer said.

In order to save the fledgling compromise, Sen. Harry Reed (D-Asslandia) stepped forward with a proposal to raise the number of sheep to be slaugtered to 7. However, Tea Party activists in the Republican caucus killed the idea.

The Partiers insist on cutting the sheep budget by 99% and the abolishment of President Obama’s signature health care bill. According to the Republican Institute of Financial Analysis, the sheep cut alone would erase the Federal deficit within 90 days. Republican officials described the Institute’s findings as, “very insightful”.

“We have to watch out for this sort of insidious attack on our freedoms,” said Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-Moronohoma). “First we’ll be required to sacrifice sheep every evening before dinner and once lulled by the aroma of the devilish flesh, carted off to concentration camps operated by the socialist Federal Emergency Management Agency.”

Liberals were equally disappointed with the plan. Broadcaster Rachel Maddow, speaking on condition of anonymity on her news show, floated the idea that all sheep be supplied by local, humane farms that do not use hormones on their animals.

Maddow Touts Sacrificial Celery
“I’m vegetarian, so I’d prefer they sacrifice stalks of celery myself. However, I advocate bipartisanship with those asswipes over at the RNC,” she added. “Anything to make those skeevy bastards look bad.”

Further problems are expected from a Republican-sponsored rider to the bill. Called the “Rich People Are Better Than You Act”, it requires most of the leftover carcasses be distributed to the Top 0.999% of wage earners, along with a $356,000 tax credit just because.

Democrats object to the best meat going to the wealthy, wool-clad elite while only the offal, eyes, and tail are promised to the bottom taxpayers.

The Republican plan calls for middle-income families to pay a 37% tax on all orders of lamb chops or rack of lamb served at the haute Chez Panisse in Berkeley, CA. Democrats also expect Republicans to cut the entitlement after its passage and repossess the sheep parts when low-income families default on their orvis aries windfall. The low-income families will likely be taxed an Offal Abatement Fee of about 69% to cover the costs of removing the left over pig.

With the new proposal already on bumpy footing, Republican lawmakers have called for Newt Gingrich to mediate the ongoing disputes.

“Newt’s the perfect man for the job. Very fair. A very learned man. And, he’s a hell of a Republican,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Sheep Sexingville, VA).

“Not partial in what so any way, except in his strong American belief in the truth,” Cantor added.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

 

What Democrats Have Done Past Two Years: Make History

If you want to know what President Obama and the Democratic Party has done in the past two years — while making history — these two videos are a MUST watch:  Rachel Maddow

What Democrats Have Done Past Two Years: Make History

If you want to know what President Obama and the Democratic Party has done in the past two years — while making history — these two videos are a MUST watch:  Rachel Maddow

What Democrats Have Done Past Two Years: Make History

If you want to know what President Obama and the Democratic Party has done in the past two years — while making history — these two videos are a MUST watch:  Rachel Maddow

The Use of Twitter in Times of Crisis

I was once a skeptic of Twitter.  It didn't seem to serve a very beneficial purpose to me, and I didn't find it to be as good of a social networking tool as Facebook.  I registered for a Twitter account, mostly out of spite, to see if I would like it or could find use of it.  This particular account was dormant for the better part of a year.

Twitter made news headlines a lot after the Iranian presidential election in 2009, where a base of protesters rallied support when many other media outlets/communication was blocked.  I was still a skeptic of twitter even after this, although I certainly saw its merits.

Then came the Upper Big Branch Mine Disaster.  I stumbled upon twitter a day or so before because an op-ed I wrote was retweeted by someone, so I decided to log on to see if I could get wrapped up in the cocaine-like twitter phenomenon.  

Once the mine disaster had occurred, I tuned into the Rachel Maddow Show to see Charleston Gazette Veteran Reporter Ken Ward Jr. being interviewed.  At the end of the interview it was mentioned that the public watching could follow Ken Ward for mine updates on twitter as they were developing.  I did just so.  

Literally every 15-20 minutes Ken Ward would update via twitter the continuing news of the disaster, keeping myself as well as many others informed well before any news outlet could.  In times of crisis, this type of information is of great importance.  When people needed to hear news of the developing aftermath, they would refer to twitter instead of other news sources because Ward was reporting right from the source.  
(as a side-note, I cannot commend Ken Ward Jr. enough for the up-to-date information at ground zero of the mine disaster.  Incredible reporting and truly an asset for the concerned and distraught members of the state of West Virginia who wanted to stay informed as much as possible

Though still not a double-digit tweet a day twitter junkie, I have started to use it more and have seen firsthand the use it offers in times of crisis.  Social-networking has become truly a revolutionary tool in politics and emergencies, as well as many other situations and outlets.

Just some food for thought.

 

 

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