Hey, welcome to the Field Negro News Network. [FNNN]
The field-negro is very excited today because I just landed an exclusive interview with the leader of the free world. Yep, you guessed it, President Bush decided to come to the fields and grant us an interview in our makeshift studios. (Stop that laughing) It's true, the President, forever the politician, realized that he might have to cut into that field-negro vote to keep both houses republican for the upcoming mid-term elections. So once the secret service vetted us, "W" himself came into our quarters and granted the field-negro a one on one.
This is the transcript from that interview:
FN: Have a seat right here Mr. President, I know it's a bit uncomfortable, but this aint CNN.
GB: Not a problem field-negro, I am used to this, remember, I have a ranch out in Crawford Texas so this is nothing.
FN: Have you ever had any field-negroes on your ranch? (Laughter)
GB: Oh no field-negro, I can pretty much do all those chores by myself. I have had a a lot of house negroes though. (Laughter)
FN: You are a funny guy Mr. President. I have always said that of all the politicians in Washington, you are the one guy I would just hang out with and share a drink or two. I mean before you gave up drinking of course.
GB: Of course.
FN: Mr. President I can't tell you how glad we are to have you here in the fields with us.
GB: Thanks field- negro. You know, my family and I always supported UNICEF, I mean nothing is more important than a proper education.
FN: Mr. President, I think you mean UNCF; UNICEF is the United Nations children's fund.
GB: Oh, well which one is the terrible mind to waste one?
FN: That would be UNCF sir.
GB: Yeah well that one. Our family has always supported negro causes. When I owned the Texas Rangers, we had a lot of very good African American and Latino players, and we were a better team for it.
FN: Yes sir, I am sure you were. Now if I may....
GB: Hold it, (Interrupting) I don't want to just leave on that point, because that's important. It's important for the American people to understand that I put the best product on the field for the people of Texas without regards to the race of my players, and I will do that for America. Look at Condi, and that Gonzales fellow.
FN: Yes Mr. President, I am sure that is important. But If I may, I would like to ask you :Were you serious when you told the Washington Post that Osama bin Laden hasn't been caught because he is hiding? Or better yet, did you even make those statements?
GB: Of course I made them. Heck, have you ever played hide and seek? Was kinda hard to find you hiding behind those trees and cotton fields wasn't it? I mean, come out come out wherever you are just aint gonna get it with Osama. (Nervous laughter) If you get my drift.
FN: Yes sir I do, but you would think the most powerful nation on earth could find a six foot eight inch Arab in an area of the world that we are pretty convinced he is in.
GB: Let me go back to my baseball metaphor for a minute. Did team U.S.A. win the World Baseball Championships? No we didn't, yet it's our game, we invented it, and those little Japanese won it. Sometimes being bigger doesn't make you any better field-negro
You get my drift?
FN: ????????Ah yes sir I think I do....
GB: I hope you do field- negro because this is important.
FN: Mr. President let me ask you about another serious domestic issue; social security.
You said that the life expectancy of African Americans was a lot less than other groups, and as a result, we were being disadvantaged by the present system. Could you explain what you meant by that?
GB: Well of course I will explain. You see, if African Americans would fall in line behind my plan at least they would not be losing all the money they put into the system when they die. I mean it's a fact that the African American life expectancy is much shorter than the average white person. I mean look at that fellow who worked for my predecessor[Bill Clinton], I think he was the secretary of commerce or something, just a shame what happened to him.
FN: Sir, I think you are referring to Ron Brown, but he died in a plane crash.
GB: Well yeah, you see what I mean? Bad things just happen to you people. (Nervous laughter) And what about that other black friend of my predecessor, that Jordan fellow?
FN: Sir, if you mean Vernon Jordan he is still alive.
GB: I thought he was killed and robbed on the highway or something tragic like that?
FN: No Mr. President, that was James Jordan, Michael Jordan's father.
GB: Oh..sorry about that.
FN: Don't worry about it Mr. President. Let me ask you another serious question about a region that's very close to my heart. The story goes that early in your term as President you saw a memorandum outlining the genocide in Rawanda and America's acquiescence in it. It goes on to say that you wrote in the margins of that memo; "not on my watch." Is that true?
GB: Well yes, that is true, and as a christian I cannot in good conscience sit back and watch innocent people be killed en masse.
FN: Well sir, isn't that exactly what is happening in the Sudan region of Darfur as we speak?
GB: Well yes, but Sudan is a very small part of the world...
FN: (Interrupting) Sir Sudan is as large as the entire eastern part of the United States.
GB: Well, you know what I mean, it's not like Rawanda where thousands and thousands of innocent women and children were murdered and raped by those animals.
FN: Sir, that is exactly what is happening in Sudan.
GB: Really? well if it is true, my ace secretary of state Rice -who happens by the way to be one of your people- is going to find a way to solve that problem. I bet she is working on it right now.
FN: What exactly is she doing or going to do sir?
GB: Well Secretary Rice is letting the do nothing U.N. know that we are going to be tough on the Sudanese.
FN: But Mr. President, Secretary Rice and your delegation abstained from voting on a U.N. resolution giving the International Criminal Court (ICC) the right to try war criminals in Sudan.
GB: Well, at least we didn't vote for it. (Nervous laughter)
FN: No Mr. President you are right there, only Brazil, Algiers, and China voted for it. And China has oil interests in the Sudan region.
GB: Well, I am confident that our government's position on Sudan well help move that region towards peace soon.
FN: I don't see how sir, not when our policy towards Sudan clearly changed after you invited General Saleh Gosh to Washington, the man that is in charge of the Sudanese secret police and intelligence organization. It is believed that he is responsible for the deaths of thousands of Sudanese. Isn't that true Mr. President?
GB: Yes but you must understand, that we are protecting American interest, this man gave us valuable information and intelligence for the war on terror.
FN: But wasn't this man Osama bin Laden's chief minder when he was in Khartoum from 1991-1996?
GB: Exactly, and that's why he is invaluable to us he can give us so much information.
FN: You mean like where to find Osama bin Laden?
GB: (Laughter) That's a good one field-negro, you are a funny guy. I like a good sense of humor.
FN: Mr. President why did your state department lift the sanctions that were put in place on Sudan by giving one company the right to do business there?
GB: Well, field-negro this firm was necessary to build schools, support our army and help build up the infra structure of that country.
FN: Mr. President we don't have an army on the ground in Sudan, and it's a PR firm sir.
GB: I thought that my VP's old firm was there?
FN: No sir, I think you are referring to Halliburten and they are in Iraq.
GB: Oh, well it's pretty close to Sudan isn't it?
FN: Sort of sir. Mr. President let me ask you another question about Sudan?
GB: Gee field- negro you sure have a thing for these Sudan people.
FN: I can't help it sir they are my people too. Now may ask you a pointed question?
GB: Sure go ahead, we are on your turf.
FN:Why did we vote to raise Sudan's status from a tier three country which is the least favorable as it relates to the slave trade, to a tier two country?
GB: Well a tier two is also bad isn't it?
FN: Sir, Switzerland is a tier two country.
GB: Well heck, I will just have to talk to Condi about that, no offense field- negro.
FN: None taken sir. Mr. President did you know that as we speak the roads to the capitol of West Darufr, el-Geneina, are now impassable leaving hundreds of thousands of refugees beyond humanitarian reach?
GB: I did not know that I really have to have a talk with Condi.
FN: Did you also know sir, that the U.N. suspended all humanitarian operations in South Darfur because of the lack of security in that region, and as a result, hundreds of thousands of people could die?
GB: All Sudan all the time huh field-negro?
FN: Mr. President, it is a very important part of the world, and there is a humanitarian crises there.
GB: Is there as much oil there as the Middle East?
FN: No sir I don't think so.
GB: Wel it ain't important; just kidding. (Laughter)
GB: What's that you said field- negro?
FN: Nothing sir.
GB: Look field negro I have to do what's right for the American people no matter what.
Heck, even if it means getting rid of that Jamaican traitor General, and scooter boy.
FN: Do you mean Colin Powell sir?
GB: Yes him. No offense field-negro.
FN: None taken Mr. President. And sir, wasn't Scooter Libby indicted on criminal charges?
GB: Yeah, but I could have still kept him if I wanted, but I will not tolerate leaks from my administration. Unless of course it's coming from me. (Laughter)
FN: Let me ask you about Iraq. What are your plans for that country sir?
GB: Well, just kinda steady as she goes field- negro, steady as she goes.
FN: But every day we are losing precious American lives and dollars in what has now become a nation building mission. Why not draw down our troops?
GB: Oh field- negro, stop with the liberal talking points. We are making great progress in Iraq. Don't you watch Fox News? Listen, Saddam was a bad man who killed thousands of his own people, and who had weapons of mass destruction; we had to do something. Besides, these colors don't run field-negro.
FN: Sir, with all due respect, I think we can all agree that there were no real weapons of mass destruction, and isn't that why you told us we went there in the first place?
GB:Who is this we you keep talking about? Again, do you even watch Fox News out here in the fields?
FN: No, sir we don't.
GB: So you are in no position to make such statements are you? Look, as far as I am concerned Saddam and his sons were the weapons of mass destruction.
FN: Mr. President, Condi Rice said that we went to Iraq because there were mass graves there, and Saddam was a monstrous figure in the Middle East. So she even seems to be saying now that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
GB: She said that? I gotta have a talk with Condi. No offense field negro.
FN: None taken sir. Mr. President I want to ask you a couple of final questions:
Condi Rice said that if God gave her the power to change something in the world it would be the suffering of some of the children she saw in the refugee camps of Darfur. What would it be for you sir?
GB: Well I would have to say Katrina. I really prayed that the water and wind would stay back but it didn't.
FN: Why do you think God didn't answer your prayers?
GB: Well, quite frankly; Tom DeLay.
FN: Tom DeLay?
GB: Yes, a lot of people think God was punishing our party by giving us Katrina because we listened to DeLay too much. I mean the man isn't a nice fellow, and God might have been trying to tell us something. By the way, did you know that my friend Haley Barbour is the Governor of Mississippi, and his region of the gulf coast was hit pretty hard too? I mean no offense to your people but they weren't the only ones rocked by Katrina. Heck, Trent Lott-another good friend lost a beach front home on that terrible day. Anyway, DeLay with all his mean spirited stuff, and the money, the bribes, it just wasn't christian like if you know what I mean? FN: I think so, but do you really think God cares about the inner workings of republican politics sir?
GB: Of course he does. Field- negro don't they teach you the bible out here in the fields? FN: No sir.
GB: Well then You have to come to church with me sometime. We are God's party, we are against same sex marriages, abortions on demand, Michael Moore, all these bad things that God talks about in the bible that are bad for us as Americans.
FN: I didn't know God talked about Americans in the bible sir.
GB: Well he does, and listen, I really felt bad seeing all that suffering your people went through. And when that Kenya West said I don't care about black people, well that just hurt.
FN: It's Kanye West sir.
GB: Yeah that guy. I mean did he see how I was hugging those poor people? I ask you field- negro would I have done that if I didn't care? Those were not just photo ops., that was from the heart. I mean my goodness I saw one little black child in tears and it darn near broke my heart. I vowed right then and there, that this would never happen again on my watch.
FN: I am not sure you can control the weather sir, but I suppose you could coordinate a better response the next time.
GB: There you go again, just like the rest of the main stream media, implying that our effort was not properly coordinated.
FN: But don't you think your response to Katrina could have been better?
GB: Listen, I understand the perception; because CNN, CBS, and NBC just kept showing your people on roof tops, and babies with their mothers crying etc. There is no doubt that the imagery was not good.
FN: Did you see it on television sir?
GB: Well it wasn't on Fox, so I didn't get a chance to see a lot of it. I actually didn't realize how bad it was until one of our aids told us to turn on CNN.
FN: But then it was too late?
GB: Yeah, and Brownie my man down there from FEMA was getting no help from that Mayor Niggen and that dizzy Governor in Louisiana.
FN: I think it's Nagin sir.
GB: Yeah, that guy. No offense field- negro.
FN: None taken sir.
GB: Look, the American people gave me a job to do and I am going to do it no matter what. My moves might not always be popular, but at the end of the day, I have to protect every man woman and child within these borders. Unless you are from California. (Nervous laughter) Just kidding there field- negro don't print that. Yes, I am the decider, no one else.
FN: What does that have to do with Katrina sir?
GB: Listen, I am going to let you in on a little secret: We had all those people in the Superdome and Convention Center because, quite frankly, we didn't know what types of individuals we were dealing with. I couldn't just release them to the rest of the country. No offense field- negro, but those people were from the ninth ward of New Orleans, and this is where they have the most crime and bl....huh poverty. So Brownie and I decided it was best to just kind of hold them there until we could see exactly what we were dealing with. Again, protecting the rest of the American people from unknown and hidden dangers. I mean we couldn't just say; OK people of New Orleans here are a bunch of buses just go where you want. Do you understand where I am coming from with that?
FN: Scary as it sounds, I think I do sir.
GB: Listen field- negro, I have to go now, that Jim Kong il is acting up again.
FN: That's Kim Jong il sir.
GB: Yeah the North Korean guy. The one with the real weapons of mass destruction.
He won't get a chance to use those puppies on my watch though. The people of America elected me twice to protect them and that's what I am going to do.
FN: Well that's debatable sir.
GB: What is?
FN: That you were elected twice. Some people actually believe....never mind I don't want to open old wounds.
GB: Look field- negro, you were a real class act having me down here in the fields, and I just want to thank you. But the next time we do an interview why don't you come to the White House? I think you will enjoy it in the house. Besides, no offense, but it's hot out here in the fields.
FN: None taken sir, thanks for coming.