I subscribe to a few mailing lists, both liberal and conservative. This came from a liberal mailing list. I passed it on to my son and then decided to post it here. One could quibble over a few of these, but most of them hit home. Author unknown.
Note: I know this is mostly a cut-n-paste diary, but it's far too long to go into a comment thread. It's mostly meant in fun. (Sure it is...)
To be a Republican you need to believe that:1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
14 . Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
15. Supporting "executive privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)(do Republicans know what perpetuity means?)
16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.
17. It's understandable for hunters to shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
Contributed by fogiv in the comments to this thread
*The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
*You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two".
*You think HMO is a cable channel.
*You believe God is everywhere - except your motel room (or airport restroom).
*You support a waiting period for abortions but not for gun purchases.
*The only "gay" you've ever respected is the Enola Gay.
*You believe the NRA contributes more to American life than the NEA.
Contributed by Dog Chains
The government should be looking into every library book that people take out (because come on, what do you have to hide), but should never document, look into, or make wait, any person looking to buy a gun of any kind.
Contributed by mollusk
Government work should be outsourced because corporations that are looking to maximize profits will always do a transparent and thorough job.
Contributed by grassrootsorganizer
All life is sacred except in war and on death row.
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