MyDD :: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph

Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph

by Jacob Freeze, Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:11:41 PM EST

Bill Clinton was the father who keeps his pot where you can find it, and gives you a call-girl for your sixteenth birthday. Reagan was such a perfect throw-back to the all-knowing fathers of 1950s TV that half the country still can't believe he was a terrible father and half-witted President. The enormous fatherly presence of Franklin Roosevelt could bounce a whole nation on its knee.

There aren't any "national fathers" running for President in 2008. Instead we get a nasty grandpa, a tricky older brother, and a know-it-all uncle.

Uncle Ralph is the childless (and doesn't want any) uncle who constantly belittles his sister for ruining her seven children. He couldn't make it any clearer that he doesn't really want to be President if he campaigned in a bathrobe.

Grandpa John is the grandpa who pinched you for spilling your milk, and then his best friend Phil tried to bite you (with his false teeth) for whining.

Barack is the older brother who somehow convinces you to trust him again and again. "Open your mouth and close your eyes!" Then he feeds you a spider.

I would have settled for a "national mommy" instead of this family freak-show that makes me want to spend next Christmas in a bar.

Tags: John McCain, Barack Obama, Ralph Nader (all tags)

Permalink :: 40 Comments :: Post a Comment

Keep trolling Awaaaaaay n/t (2.00 / 1)

by parahammer on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:13:36 PM EST

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 2)

Nobama! I couldn't live with myself if my GE vote made America eat a spider.

And so, may evil beware and may good dress warmly and eat lots of fresh vegetables.

by thatpurplestuff on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:20:09 PM EST

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 3)

I would have settled for a "national mommy" instead of this family freak-show that makes me want to spend next Christmas in a bar.

Why wait?

Although still a waste of space, your diaries would at least be more entertaining if you wrote them totally shitfaced.

by Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:20:39 PM EST

How do you know he's not? (2.00 / 3)

The spelling says sober but the content says drunk off his ass.

by JJE on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:23:17 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 3)

That's not a bad idea. Do you think we could set up an ActBlue page to raise money for Jacob Freeze's bar tab, or would that be inappropriate?

And so, may evil beware and may good dress warmly and eat lots of fresh vegetables.

by thatpurplestuff on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:24:24 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 1)

I'm not sure about that, but I think it'd be entirely welcome and appropriate to set up an Act Blue page to raise money for my bar tab.

by the mollusk on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:30:20 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 1)

So like, this one time I left for the day with AIM on and came back at 4AM to find my ex-boyfriend had written me two hours prior:

hoooo. THese pills aer iN AND ON.

damnit.

Let's hop Jacob Freeze up on goofballs.

We should be able to deliver bottled hot water to dehydrated babies.

by Jess81 on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:58:00 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 5)

Sounds like someone wants his mommy.

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." Samuel Johnson

by MS01 Indie on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:20:50 PM EST

I can play this game too! (1.75 / 4)

Hillary Clinton is the Jewish mother who tells you seven times that she's fine by herself...then changes her mind and guilt trips you for not visiting. Also, she belittles her son the governor while constantly praising the brilliance and talents of her son the janitor--because "at least he calls me!"

Wouldn't it be nice if there were no rhetorical questions?

by Elsinora on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:21:54 PM EST

Not to Redstate Lib: (2.00 / 2)

I do not actually believe this, I was attempting to satirize the diary. Which in retrospect, was pretty stupid...it really satirizes itself. My apologies if you were offended.

Wouldn't it be nice if there were no rhetorical questions?

by Elsinora on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 05:15:20 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Argh, that should be "Note." (none / 0)

I'm failing on all cylinders today, it seems.

Wouldn't it be nice if there were no rhetorical questions?

by Elsinora on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 05:16:51 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Argh, that should be "Note." (none / 0)

Don't worry I don't hold grudges.

"Do you know the difference between a War Story and a Fairy Tale?"

by RedstateLib on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 06:10:52 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 3)

I don't care agree with the author or disagree with him all you want, but his diaries make me laugh and I like that.

"Do you know the difference between a War Story and a Fairy Tale?"

by RedstateLib on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:23:08 PM EST

"Brother Barack" (2.00 / 4)

Oh, I get it now! He's black, so he's a "brother!"

At first I thought he meant, like a monk or something.

In this avalanche, the pebbles get to vote.

by Dracomicron on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:23:35 PM EST

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (1.60 / 5)

Hillary Clinton always reminds me of that mid-level corporate career woman that shows up on the Simpsons and gives people great advice like "We need to rasta-fy him by 10 % or so." Anyone know what I'm talking about?

by the mollusk on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:29:25 PM EST

Ah yes (none / 0)

The efficiency expert lady.

In this avalanche, the pebbles get to vote.

by Dracomicron on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:58:52 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Ah yes (none / 0)

sounds like the one i'm talking about.

by the mollusk on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 05:00:55 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 2)

Man, you wrote a fairly respectable diary the other day, then it's back to this. It's ok to let that other personality take over for a while.

by rfahey22 on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:30:16 PM EST

"Mommy" (1.33 / 3)

Well, I don't like to get into name calling since I want to be more respectful of a former candidate than PUMA are of the nominee. But since you goaded me to "go there" I would say that said former candidate reminds me of the mom who was never home, too busy to care about the cheating dad but still expected her kids too be perfect in everything they do.

by RandyMI on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:31:44 PM EST

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 3)

Ah, the old Jacob is back.

Whew, your last couple of diaries made me think you'd like passed a stone, or discovered Yoga or gotten laid or something. Way too mellow for you.

Nice to see the old grump fart back, firing on 3 of 4 cylinders as usual.

"Well the danger on the rocks is surely past... Still I remain tied to the mast"...Don Fagen, Poet and Piano Player

by WashStateBlue on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:33:44 PM EST

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 2)

Funny how some have taken this as an opportunity to take shots at Hillary again. It really does lie pretty close to surface for some of you, huh?

Funny diary though. Obviously meant as a joke and not a call to arms to smack on Hillary again.

by JustJennifer on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:36:33 PM EST

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 2)

Oh please, Jennifer, take off the Clinton blinders.

First Jacob polishes Bill's behind, then he trashes Nader and McCain, just to PRETEND to get respectable, then he delivers what he really is intending: The Obama Spider Line.

Then, he finishes with his maternal yearning for Hillary.

"Obviously meant as a joke"

As were the jokes about Hillary, but you didn't find them quite as funny as the line about Obama, did you?

After all, what is good for the Goose as they say....

"Well the danger on the rocks is surely past... Still I remain tied to the mast"...Don Fagen, Poet and Piano Player

by WashStateBlue on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:45:43 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (none / 0)

Your explanation would make sense if Hillary had written the diary but since she did not I would call attacking her unprovoked.

"Do you know the difference between a War Story and a Fairy Tale?"

by RedstateLib on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:50:16 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Unprovoked (2.00 / 4)

That is a good way to describe this entire diary.

In this avalanche, the pebbles get to vote.

by Dracomicron on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 05:00:05 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (2.00 / 3)

Whatever. Making a joke about Obama putting a spider in your mouth is nothing like making jokes about Hillary Clinton and the type of "woman" she is. Now if the diarist had made cracks about Obama being black that would be different. Context.

by JustJennifer on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 05:30:09 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (none / 0)

Yeah isn't it I gave all who used this as an excuse attack Hillary a much deserved troll rating. FYI Hillary did not write the diary so your attacks on her are uncalled for, well they are just trollish.

"Do you know the difference between a War Story and a Fairy Tale?"

by RedstateLib on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:48:21 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (none / 0)

the perimeter is secure.

by the mollusk on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 06:42:51 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Guess what? (2.00 / 2)

My reply was also a joke, and a natural continuation of the theme of the diary, which was (as I see it) to put each of the candidates into a stereotypical familial role.

So humor involving McCain, Obama, and Nader is humor, but humor involving Hillary is a "potshot," eh? I'll keep that in mind next time I make a stab at being funny.

Wouldn't it be nice if there were no rhetorical questions?

by Elsinora on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 05:19:34 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Guess what? (2.00 / 2)

Snark can be hard to recognize in print. The diary was so far over the top and built slowly to a climax so you could tell early on where it was heading. Shorter post like your not so easy to tell.

"Do you know the difference between a War Story and a Fairy Tale?"

by RedstateLib on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 06:15:19 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Understood. :) (none / 0)

Snark is a dangerous weapon...it tends to backfire if used improperly.

Wouldn't it be nice if there were no rhetorical questions?

by Elsinora on Wed Jul 16, 2008 at 09:51:50 PM EST
[ Parent ]

I would have settled for a decent troll... (2.00 / 1)

it doesn't look like I'm going to that either.

by tonedevil on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:38:08 PM EST

Naw (2.00 / 4)

McCain is your grandpa who relates everything to one of his war stories, makes inappropriate remarks about your girlfriend in front of her and then spends half an hour trying to find his glasses.

Sexism is real.

by grassrootsorganizer on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 04:56:31 PM EST

Does he tie an onion onto his belt? (2.00 / 4)

I hear it was the style of the time. Not a white onion, but a brown onion. You couldn't get the white onions, because of the war...

In this avalanche, the pebbles get to vote.

by Dracomicron on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 05:01:16 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Re: Does he tie an onion onto his belt? (2.00 / 3)

Don't know about wearing onions, but he did grow up on lard and pepper sandwiches, with a big slice of onion on special occasions. But everything changed when they took Pat Boone off the air. Now everythings all hurry up hurry up...

Sexism is real.

by grassrootsorganizer on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 05:19:28 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Give me five bees (none / 0)

for a quarter.

by JJE on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 07:38:22 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Holy crap... (2.00 / 1)

you just described my fiance's grandfather to a tee.

That's terrifying...

Wouldn't it be nice if there were no rhetorical questions?

by Elsinora on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 05:20:46 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Owww! (2.00 / 3)

This hurts! It feels like I'm back in the schoolyard again, being being teased and bullied by the bigger boys.

Good thing my big brother is around to beat ya all up for me!

January 20 & sricki join with The engels in love!

by January 20 on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 05:53:38 PM EST

Re: Grandpa John, Brother Barack, and Uncle Ralph (none / 0)

What about big sis Cindy?

Ida B. The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.-Mark Twain

by Ida B on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 06:14:39 PM EST

This is performance snark to us (2.00 / 1)

But he's not kidding. Jacob just dumps his posts here and elsewhere without letting anyone know. Visit his blog. He also has a myspace page where he displays some of his pretty cool artwork and links to his blog. I think it's pretty safe to say he's a progressive who really does not support Obama.

Barack Obama is my President

by Jeter on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 06:46:43 PM EST

gasp! (none / 0)

then why does he never engage his readers here? i think that he might get a better reception if he argued his points to commenters.

"Me Fail English? That's Unpossible." Ralph Wiggum

by canadian gal on Tue Jul 15, 2008 at 11:10:42 PM EST
[ Parent ]

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