Many of you may remember me from my previous threat: Every time one of your overeager supporters bashes a Democratic candidate I will eat a kitten. Kittens of all shapes and sizes will be eaten in order to avoid any semblance of partiality. ) Now, despite the resulting carnage of countless kittens being eaten over the past few months, many of you are taking your candidate bashing a drastic step further: you are threatening to become Kyles. Repeating my sincere motivations, we dogs have suffered the excess of your species for far too many millennia. We have watched while you have killed each other, raped the earth, and even wiped out entire species. We dogs have evolved with you, adapted with you, lived, loved, and died with you. We protect your children and take care of your sick and frail. We comfort the forlorn and bring joy to the joyful. Our species has been your loyal companion and servant. But now that loyalty is sorely tested. Global Warming is threatening the very survival of much of your species. As our dog-existence is intricately linked to yours, dog survival is at stake as well. This crisis has forced my hand, and I have come down to Earth from DogHeaven in order to protect my worshipers and fight Global Warming. I have concluded from these efforts that it is extremely important that the Democratic Party takes control of the Executive Branch of government in the US. Only then, can significant efforts to combat Global Warming take place. But behold! I now watch the Democratic Party tearing itself apart over trivial issues and base egoism. So now the Kyle Syndrome is forcing me to take things a step further. Not only will I eat a kitten for every Kyle who does not vote for the Democratic nominee, I will also poop on each of their doorsteps and pee in each and every one of their bushes. Behold, my Dog excrement will make their home smell for a dozen years and my Dogpee will wither even the heartiest of their foliage. Understand that I take no particular pleasure in these drastic actions. You have forced my paw and I will not stand for it. Dog has spoken.

Wha... what happened? Oh no, not again.