Cable theft is a blight on our culture. It is a corrosive, oozing vice that corrupts our very souls. Enormous corporations are trying to build a utopian society, but with individuals stealing free re-runs of Dawson's Creek from us, our master plan has stalled. That is why, as we speak, our secret police are scouring your neighborhood, making certain that no one is stealing cable. You, however, may avoid their wrath by taking any of the following steps:

• Joining our designated staff whose sole responsibility is to catch and prosecute offenders.
• Educating yourself about the primordial evil that is cable theft.
• Turning yourself in, and applying for Cable Theft Amnesty.
• Purchasing a stop cable theft tool kit.
• Turning in your friends and neighbors anonymously.
• Testifying against organized crime syndicates that sell illegal cable.
• Installing a cable theft alarm in your home.
• Stop laughing
• Disconnecting the cable service of the previous occupant of your residence before you move in.
• Support the anti- cable-theft militia.
• Contact your lawmakers so that they increase cable theft to a felony.
• Urge your local government to create a cable theft task force.
• Urge your friends to stop drinking when they steal cable.
• Call the cable theft hotline.
• Participate in the upcoming Cable Theft Awareness Week, June 20-24.

Remember: if you are not part of the solution, you will be part of the final solution.