Crashing the Gate: The Motion Picture
by Malacandra, Tue Mar 07, 2006 at 01:28:22 PM EST
For some reason, I've got the movies on my mind. And it's clear that in spite of diminishing box office, the movies are "where it's at". Nobody reads anymore - you can tell that by the way Americans vote: so if it didn't happen on the big screen, it didn't happen, baby.
So, given the recent hubbub on this site about the publication of this "Crashing the Gate" book, it's clear we need to get it on film. I thought I'd donate my services as a casting agent, which I have extensive experience in based on participating in numerous internet newsgroups devoted to Neil Gaiman graphic novels. First of all, realize that the movies are all about exaggeration. It's all larger than life. It's all about "truthiness".
So when real life presents us with this...
... the movies will serve up this:
Embrace it.My casting selections below (accompanied by pictures of the victims... I mean honorees).
Markos Moulitsas Zuniga: Wilson Cruz
We don't see much of Wilson Cruz these days, since he brilliantly portrayed Rickie Vasquez on "My So-Called Life". And that's a shame. This is his chance for a big comeback. Besides, he still looks like he could get carded which (as we all know) is supposed to be the principal requirement for anyone playing Markos.
Jerome Armstrong: Matt Damon
We know that Damon can play an intelligent character from "Good Will Hunting". And we know he can be on the side of the angels from "Dogma". You'll note the absence of Ben Affleck from any of the casting choices... and that immediately improves Damon's acting chops by at least two orders of magnitude.
Bob Shrum: Wallace Shawn
Winning a presidential election with Bob Shrum? "Inconceivable!"
Tom Delay: Fred Willard
There's only one man who can bring the dignity, the gravitas, the moral authority needed to portray the complexities of Tom Delay's character - or lack of character.
The Architect/The Turdblossom
Karl Rove: Ned Beatty
I tried to stick to actors who were age-appropriate to the parts they're playing... at least within a decade. In this case, there was no other choice. But this is what make-up artists invented spackel for. Ned Beatty was born to play Karl Rove.
The Queen of the Butterfly Ballot
Katherine Harris: Wendy Malick
This is not meant to be an insult to Ms. Malick.
The Democrats (snap!)
Howard Dean: Warren Beatty
Here we have a Beatty of a different color. It's hard to cast Howard: the man's one of a kind, but I think Warren can do something with the role. And he's got some of the physical traits: expressive bushy eyebrows - check. Mischievous grin - check. Twinkle in the eye - check. Political future - check.
Joe Trippi: Tony Shalhoub
Dark, smart and disheveled.
Donnie Fowler: Rainn Wilson
Rainn wouldn't even have to change his frames.
Martin Frost: Stephen Tobolowski
Tobolowski is a versatile character actor. You've seen him a billion times before, but probably never recognized him. Kinda like Martin Frost.
The Red State Democrats
Jon Tester: Tom Arnold
Here come ol' flattop he come... groovin' up slowly...
I know, Tom Arnold hasn't been a very serious character actor. Let's give the guy a chance to show some range.
Brian Schweitzer: Stephen Root
Stephen Root may not physically resemble Gov. Schweitzer very much, but those of us who appreciate his considerable gifts know that he can literally shapeshift. He's amazing.
Stephanie Herseth: Claire Danes
Herseth may actually be better looking than Danes. I just wish that this red-haired babe wasn't such a Blue Dog. Better she than a Republican - that would be the point...
Paul Hackett: Ralph Fiennes
No, I'm not comparing Hackett to Voldemort. (That would be Cheney)
This is meant as flattery.
Zephyr Teachout: Hilary Swank
Normally, the initially endearing character who turns out to be psychotic in the end is Lili Taylor's specialty... but Swank has more of a physical resemblance (when less glamorously coifed and attired) and has a history of portraying tortured or conflicted characters... so this should be right up her alley.
There's a huge cast of characters in the book... and I've just scratched the surface. I'm sure there's a place for William H. Macy as some hapless loser of a Democratic campaign consultant.
I'm sure you all think that my suggestions completely suck.... but this is a game we all can play... so, who would you put on your hypothetical casting couch?