Being And Blogging

It was interesting to discover this weekend that I don't actually exist. In the mounting history of galacticly stupid commentary on the blogosphere that has come from non-blogosphere sources over the past three years, that might have been the most stunning example. At the very least, it deserves a place with Fox News reporting on a sub-par Dailykos flame war, the bizarre analogy that because Snake on a Plane didn't do well at the box office, political bloggers are ineffective, and that everyone in the political blogosphere takes direct orders from Markos on everything they write, or else he boots them from the ultra-lucrative Liberal Blog Advertising Network. That last one was truly frustrating, because until last week when I passed the torch to Annatopia, I actually both organized and managed the liberal blog advertising network since its inception. I mean, if I am going to operate some little-understood conspiracy behind the scenes, I would really like to get some recognition for it rather than see it go to someone else.

Still, even as I continue to push forward with actually existing, I admit that the past three years of blogging have altered me in some rather dramatic ways that do, in fact, begin to call very existence into question. I am not referring to the ways that blogging has caused a career change, granted me political and media access that I still find shocking, almost entirely ended my participation in old social circles and presented me with new ones, allowed me to work from home, or otherwise had an impact on the day to day activities of my life. Instead, I am actually referring to an important way in which blogging has altered my very consciousness. After two and a half years of virtually non-stop blogging, my perception of myself as a distinct individual has dramatically waned. My interior monologue has virtually disappeared. I no longer have aesthetic-based epiphanies, and I almost never concern myself with examining internal passions or emotions anymore. Blogging has not just changed the activities in which I engage--the activities in which I engage in order to be a successful blogger have profoundly altered the way my mind operates and the way I conceptualize my agency in relation to others. In effect, I do not exist in the same way I once existed.
Try to imagine this: spend a week where you write for about sixty-five hours. Now, consider the following conditions on that writing:
  • Whatever you write will be read by tens of thousands of people
  • The material and research you use to produce that writing will almost never be of a personal nature.
  • What you write must mesh with a perceived set of expectations of the content you have previously published.
  • This is done almost entirely in virtual space, where your contacts take place over email, in comment threads, and on the front-page websites. Overall, you hve little human contact with either your colleagues or audience,
If you did this for a week, you might start to sense, however slightly, your ego merging with your writing. If you do it for three years, at some point you might notice that your ego has been largely subsumed into this activity. Think about this. First, your thoughts are always directed outward toward matters that do not directly refer to you. Second, commentary on you is always directed toward your writing and your blog, never to you personally. Third, there is basically no one with whom you can commiserate about your activities on a daily, or even weekly, basis. If you do this long enough, eventually your sense of self will be largely subsumed into the activity of blogging, and even into your actual blog. And maybe your blog connects to other blogs, and even to a wider movement. Your sense of self can be merged with those institutions as well.

I am not whining about this. Rather, I am simply trying to figure it out, because something very strange is happening to me. For most of my existence, which apparently ended a few days ago, I had a very intense internal life, including extensive emotional wrangling, long stretches of examining my personal hopes and dreams--I mean, I wrote some pretty damn good poetry that always incorporated a strong confessional element. Can't get much more internal than that! Now, I hardly stop to consider what I will be doing with my life two weeks from now, and I never really think about my emotional state of mind. Like ever. It has all been subsumed into this odd daily practice of writing about politics (and, more and more, into other related activities). It makes me think of personal commentaries from who joined revolutionary, ideological groups back in the early twentieth century, when they described their sense of self slipping away into the movement they joined. It makes me think of academic work I read about shift in western consciousness that took place during the shift from a communal, agrarian culture into a more individualistic, bourgeois culture. The personal aesthetic experience and the concept of the "romantic mind" was created through the different ways people lived, starting with the development of the chimney in the thirteenth century (allowing for private quarters), moving to the widespread availability of books (which meant private, solitary reading instead of one person reading aloud to a group), and into solitary study, prayer and professions in later centuries. These shifts in the activities people performed helped to gradually cause a widespread shift in consciousness that created our current conceptualization of the self. It seems quite likely that the radical shifts I have undergone in my day to day life in this extremely new--and even more rare--position as someone who blogs nearly full-time have contributed to a similar, if far smaller, shift inside of me.

I bring this up for two reasons. First, people who blog full-time are a very strange and difficult to understand group of people. Not only is blogging new, but to date no one has ever written a personal memoir describing the ways in which blogging alters someone life. With a general dearth of knowledge about bloggers and blogging, it isn't all that much of a surprise that it leads to some really stupid commentary on blogging from non-blogosphere sources. Second, I mention this because I imagine that the ways in which blogging has changed me happen in different ways to people in other professions that take place in the public eye--namely politics. Being a political professional in Washington, D.C. for an extended period of time will inevitably change you in a similar fashion. It must be why we see infuriating group-think from Beltway-types. The social and professional circles in which people travel take on an powerful institutional life of their own that will alter any individual within the given institutions. This is virtually inevitable. And you will get especially stupid commentary on something like the blogosphere form people utterly ensconced within that mindset, not to mention a way of acting that will often appear perplexing, contradictory, and damaging to those outside of the institution.

Anyway, I wanted to get that off my chest before I returned to Washington for the first time since last April this evening. Much of the mystery surrounding the blogosphere through a personal memoir written in a confessional, "creative non-fiction" style that explains what life as a blogger is actually like. We can do that as bloggers, whereas professional politicos can't do that in Washington, D.C. without facing expulsion from the institutions in which they work. We political bloggers have spilled a great deal of ink on analytical, meta-blogosphere commentaries, and on how we would like to se the political process be reformed. I think we can do an equally great service--both to politics and to blogging--by spilling a little more ink on ourselves. No one has ever told the story of professional blogging in detail. Before I read yet another book on how Blogger X would fix the country, that is something I would like to see change. I doubt anyone will understand what it going on in the blogosphere until at least one person, and preferably several, finally does this.

Tags: Blogosphere, meta (all tags)

Comments

53 Comments

Knock it off Kos

We know that all these supposed "Blogs" are really just you.  Its just like SHakespeare... come on... he didn't really write all those plays...

by jgkojak 2006-12-11 10:13AM | 0 recs
that made me...

laugh out loud.  LOUDLY.

by annatopia 2006-12-11 12:38PM | 0 recs
Re: that made me...

Remember: "Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name."

by tilthouse 2006-12-11 03:17PM | 0 recs
Shakespeare?

Best not go there.

A short list of people who do not accept the idea that Shakespeare wrote all of those plays:

http://www.shakespeare-oxford.com/?p=39

Mark Twain
John Gielgud
Derek Jacobi
Walt Whitman
Harry Blackmun
Lewis Powell
John Paul Stevens
Orson Wells
Henry James
Sigmund Freud
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Charles Dickens

These are some fairly clever men, and they include both undisputed experts on Shakespeare's plays and experts on evidence examination.

by RickD 2006-12-11 01:50PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

Chris,
Do you think that the blogosphere would accept your personal memoirs about blogger qua individual? I would love to read that book, but I worry that some people might not get beyond their disappointment that you haven't told us how you would "fix the country." I say prove them wrong.

Other than you and your cohorts' (er, other iterations of Jerome) travel snafus, MyDD has almost no personal posts and updates. Other major blogs often dedicate significant pixel space to their pets, family relationships and emotional musings. Couldn't there be space for that here on MyDD?

by Les Mots et les Choses 2006-12-11 10:21AM | 0 recs
To make it worse

Try doing it anonymously, so you can't even tell your co-workers or even some of your friends about this whole other life you have.

Oh, and if you're going to DC, then you WILL cease to exist.  Just like our Congresscritters.  Someday, they'll dig John Dingell's carcass out of a shallow grave within the Democratic caucus, and we'll find out he actually died centuries ago.  But no one knows because he disappeared in Washington.

by Nonpartisan 2006-12-11 10:21AM | 0 recs
How do you get the funds to blog fulltime?

Are you independently wealthy, or does the ad revenue from "MyDD" cover your expenses?

by EricJaffa 2006-12-11 10:32AM | 0 recs
The revenue

from every blog in the Liberal Blog Advertising Network covers his expenses, because he writes every one of them.  It's funny because he turned the network over to "Annatopia," who is also him.

If I get into the LBAN in three months, I too will cease to exist and become Chris.

by Nonpartisan 2006-12-11 12:07PM | 0 recs
Re: How do you get the funds to blog fulltime?

I do believe the ad revenues pay for the full-time bloggers here, like Chris, Matt and Jonathan... who of course we all know are really "Jerome", but then again its also peculiar that the name "Jerome" took himself off of the payroll, in addition to "Scott Shields". But either way, "Jerome" gets three times what the normal blogger would get if "Chris", "Matt", and "Jonathan" really did exist. But they don't, because they're "Jerome".

by KainIIIC 2006-12-11 12:11PM | 0 recs
Nice Post, Jerome!

n/t

by joejoejoe 2006-12-11 10:39AM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

Thoughtful post, Chris.  Blogging has altered my life as well (as a quasi-fulltime blogger in an early primary state), though I haven't yet ceased to exist...to my knowledge, at least.  That's quite an accomplishment.

Compiling a collection of bloggers' personal reflections on their blogging and their lives (blogographies?) might be a fun project.

by Laurin from SC 2006-12-11 11:00AM | 0 recs
If it makes you feel any better

I confess to being a Constant Reader who seldom even comments... and yet lapses into indigance when X hours or even minutes go by without a fresh post from MyDD.

As if you guys owed it me. If part of all this is a sense of pressure from consumers of blog content, you aren't imagining things.

You are like Albert Camus, who was a political journalist and eventually a daily writer of anti-Vichy polemics for the resistance newspaper Combat. He emerged from that experience famous in post-war France for his moral and intellectual leadership.

And soon thereafter, he was writing beautifully eerie novels of alienation like The Stranger, in which his hero, Meursault, makes utternances such as this famous one:

" I often thought that if I had had to live in the trunk of a dead tree, with nothing to do but look up at the sky flowing overhead, little by little I would have gotten used to it."

The theme emerges: Constant engagement with difficult issues of common concern, followed by profound feelings of disconnectedness.

If you do decide to write a personal memoir you might keep ol' Meursault handy for inspiration.

Thanks mightily for your contribution.  

by ShagBark 2006-12-11 11:12AM | 0 recs
Re: If it makes you feel any better

ahh don't feel bad... I don't really diary at all, though I do comment frequently. Perhaps i'm loafing the work to others... maybe I should start? Hmm..

by KainIIIC 2006-12-11 12:13PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

I'm curious about how it must've felt when you were first told that you didn't exist, and that there was only Jerome.  Did it make you angry?  Did it make you laugh?  

by Neil the Ethical Werewolf 2006-12-11 11:17AM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

As a rule I think we have not significantly begun to understand blogging conceptually.  Or at least, there is no shared conceptualization that allows us to discuss things rigorously.  So to date, I think our best understanding of blogging is experiential.  This means that those who will understand what you're doing will necessarily be limited to those with similar (or at least analogous) experiences.  And for that reason, a memoir might indeed help others understand what it's like to be a full-time blogger if only by sharpening the realization that things are not so pat as someone on the outside might think.

I know that when I was blogging full-time I experienced a very particular type of loneliness.  Not only do people not understand what you're doing, they don't realize that they don't understand what you're doing.  And so I often found myself talking to people about things for which they had no ears.  And found myself forced to deal with a lot of easy bigotry.  If people don't understand the value of something then a lot of times they think it's valueless.  Blogging has exposed to me how unskeptical people are about their own judgments.  

But I also think some of what you describe is the change between what in the late-Nineteenth Century was often conceptualized as the difference between men of thought and men of action.  When you're doing something, when you have your goal in front of your eyes, I think the question of Being disappears somewhat.  Hence the disappearance of the internal monologue.  But then, did your being change or did you just change your mode of being?

I'm glad you brought up this post.  Maybe even if I didn't understand it, I at least saw something in it that I understood.  

And perhaps the most important point that rang true was your point about agency.  I think blogging as it is practiced by progressive political bloggers is predicated upon a view of agency that is radically different from the cynicism that is pervasive in our society.  It used to be that the experts used to talk about politics and I thought they were right that there was nothing I could do to change the world.  Or at least, nothing outside their proscribed avenues for social change.  Reading blogs, I developed a profound skepticism about the epistemological value of listening to so-called political experts.  And starting a blog helped me understand how, by disseminating information and analysis, I could empower people to meaningfully engage with a political system they find alienating and disempowering.  

In any event, I profoundly appreciate this post.  I think the issues you raised are well worth further exploration.  
   

by Matt Lockshin 2006-12-11 11:24AM | 0 recs
matt

i've experienced the phenomena you describe in the most frustrating setting: a room full of local politicians and activists.  a few years ago - early 2003 i think - i gave a lecture to a local county party about blogging and how to harness it in a grassroots/activist context.  most of them were folks who barely even touched a computer on a regular basis.

many were very interested, but there were the stubborn few who seemed really resistant to the entire concept. i couldn't quite put my finger on why they were so hostile - at the time i thought maybe they were threatened by the idea of people power (after all, many were institutionalists). well, what you describe - the idea of them just utterly not getting it - is real close to what i'd say about them upon reflection.

but there's another component, and this definitely describes that group: they willfully refused to understand. that's even more frustrating - when you're trying to help these folks move into the 21st century, and they just won't budge.

by annatopia 2006-12-11 12:47PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

But I also think some of what you describe is the change between what in the late-Nineteenth Century was often conceptualized as the difference between men of thought and men of action.  When you're doing something, when you have your goal in front of your eyes, I think the question of Being disappears somewhat.  Hence the disappearance of the internal monologue.  But then, did your being change or did you just change your mode of being?

I think that's an interesting question. The development in the 19th century of the concept of a self sounds very similar to what family therapists refer to as fusion and differentiation. Fusion is a state of non-differentiation, where the individual does not function as an autonomous real self, but in a symbiotic relationship with a partner, which is marked by "expecting the partner to read one's mind, in the inability to say no or to negotiate differences, and in assuming that the partner thinks and feels the same as oneself". Differentiation is defined as "the ability to maintain one's sense of separate self in close proximity to a partner", and is required for true intimacy with others. So an encounter with the existential fear of our own aloneness is necessary before relationship can occur. But I believe that a third state of mutual interdependence is available, when we realize that to truly face ourselves, we must come to terms with our desire to be in relationship with others. This is a highly paradoxical state where we realize that we are not fundamentally lonely agentic beings, nor fundamentally communal beings in relationship to others, but fundamentally both. And neither.

It seems that Chris' anxiety stems from a fear that the egolessness he experiences is a kind of regression to a fusion state of non-differentiation. It could well be, but I would like to suggest that it could also be that he is experiencing something that transcends these two categories. As bloggers, we often maintain a safe, objective distance from our subject matter and for good reason -- its important to be differentiated, to not fall into a dangerous state of emotional entanglement that saps our agency. But I believe one of the key markers of a post-differentiated state is the ability to self-disclose and share our emotional lives without the possibility that it will lead to fusion.

I would also argue that the cynics are right about our inability to change the world -- based on the traditional view of the self that encompasses only my needs and my concerns. If, having differentiated myself and then expanded my definition of self to transcend merely "me", I use my agency to empower others to achieve differentiation and post-differentiation and that is where radical change is possible. In some ways, this resembles Nietzsche's Superman, but in the tradition of Western philosophy, Nietzsche's conception was the product of the intellect, not the product of experience of being, and therefore it is an abstraction. And because this experiential component of the Superman was missing, Nietzsche could not conceive of the heart and soul of the Superman, and so he assumed it did not exist at all.

by MrOnion 2006-12-13 03:50PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

Sounds like you need a girlfriend chris. Or, if you already have one, two more!

by sonandar 2006-12-11 11:30AM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

"Chris,"

I was very upset a few days ago when I read the post by "Scott" explaining that he, you, and Matt actually don't exist.  I have always enjoyed what I thought were your posts, and I'm sad to learn that you no longer exist.  

Also, it turns out the media had it right all along about the Liberal Blog Advertising Network.  This revelation by "Scott" only further proves the fact that Kos directs and blackmails everyone in the blogosphere.  Since everyone knows that Kos and Jerome are the same person, and now apparently "Chris Bowers" is actually Jerome, clearly, the person who has been running the Liberal Blog Advertising Network this whole time WAS Kos.  Man did we get fooled good!

by Fran for Dean 2006-12-11 11:33AM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

whoops the post was by "Jonathan," not "Scott."  My confusion came in because "Jonathan" (who is really Jerome) previously blogged as "Scott"

by Fran for Dean 2006-12-11 11:41AM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

Very clever, "Fran".  

by RickD 2006-12-11 01:52PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

I'm confused. Then, who is the artist formerly known as Prince? Does that have anything to do with Elvis still being alive and working as a Federal Agent at Large?

by Michael Bersin 2006-12-11 02:24PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

I blog, therefore I am.

by Joe Scordato 2006-12-11 12:04PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

Interesting.

by Nezua Limon Xoloquinta Jonez 2006-12-11 12:27PM | 0 recs
Chris,

I think this is an area where religious experience may come in handy. Good religious experience, anyway: one of the positive messages of "being created in the image of God" is that we exist - and have value - separate from what we do. Good churches/synagogues/temples/groups help their members cultivate that difference in the interest of a healthy life.

I bring that up mostly because I know where you've been. Mostly, it's a positive that blogging keeps me out of extreme navel gazing, but of course the flip side is that it can just suck me into something equally unhealthy. My responsibilities to the church community keep me from withering away to internet ghostdom. (Er, my wife does as well, but she has a harder time with it.)

In any case, the important thing is to develop a life outside the blogworld. Having a responsibility as opposed to a hobby is helpful, since responsibilities tend to pull you out whether you like it or not. More important, they make you question the importance of what you're doing. There are days when I could go on an epic rant about something, but I realize that I have to go on a home visit, and it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

Whatever works for you.

Oh, and by the way, if you don't exist, who'd I bum a smoke from at Yearly Kos? Elvis? Barack Obama?

by pastordan 2006-12-11 12:59PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

Pfff.  We're onto you.  Its all one big conspiracy.

You are Jerome.  You are Kos.  You are Jane Hamsher. You are Matt Stoller.  Hell, you're probably Georgia10.

How do I know this?  Because, you are actually George Soros, and you created all these identities to hide your evil intentions to fund the entire Democratic Party so that you can take over the United States.  Then you will fund your Manchurian Candidate who will undermine American Hegemony.  We all know this.  You are the evil George Soros.  Or Michael Moore.  Probably Soros, he has the infinite fortune.

Where do you get your money Soros?!  Did you really think you could get away with it?!  Didn't you know a bunch of meddling journalists and a dog would expose your insidious plans?!?!  Confess!!!

by JJCPA 2006-12-11 01:19PM | 0 recs
I love this post

It's funny because I just posted a diary over at DKos about how I felt I have a secret life. Although I don't blog full-time, my level of participation is such that I feel I have 2 lives: my real life and my "secret" life in the progressive blogosphere, which my wife knows nothing about. It's a very strange thing to think about.

by taylormattd 2006-12-11 01:27PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

Remember, "We're all Howard Dean?" That was a "we" experience sometime after Dean started saying that this campaign wasn't about him, it's about us, that we have the power, that we need to take the power. It was strange for a politician to not claim his ego-territory. And he still says that power comes from trusting the people to create it. It's his Zen moment, yet the Christian movement was also, "give to receive; give it away to have it come back to you." Same stuff. It's about becoming more us, in order to form a more perfect union.

Chris, you piece astounds me and I'll come back here when I've read it again.

by mrobinsong 2006-12-11 02:32PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

According to an article I read in a newspaper several years ago, researchers in Denmark found a computer programmer who worked so much he started thinking in computer language. Everything he did was just a the result of  some sort of condition or previous action such as:
if (stomach is rumbling) then
   goto kitchen.

Individuality was gone. Everything was totally logical and orderly.

I'm not implying this will happen to you, as you are not a computer programmer. My point is that I would guess that the level of personal change you write of can happen to anyone, not just people the public eye. But the way it manifests itself is a function of your day-to-day reality, which in your case is the public act of blogging.

But what do I know, I'm not a psychologist. I'm just a software engineer. In my case, I'm just glad I haven't started thinking in computer language yet.

(note to software professionals who'll grumble at the goto - I did say "several years ago")

by claw 2006-12-11 05:55PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

Interesting, link?

by js noble 2006-12-11 07:09PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

No link, something I read several years ago and just always remembered it because it struck me as very odd. It may have been discredited since then I suppose. Its just a comment, nothing more.

by claw 2006-12-12 07:13AM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

I wasn't disputing it I was just super interested in reading the article.

by js noble 2006-12-12 02:26PM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

Being one with our herd, or flock, or tribe because that's the better way for survival is a consciousness stream that runs deep within each of us and our kind.

I was Girl Scout troop leader and joined 2,500 teens and other adult leaders for a week of primitive camping and singing in Idaho. I was so submerged in the group, like being part of a singing flock, that I felt changed. Maybe I was, but I haven't forgotten the knowledge of a new way of being. I would say then, I understand the Chinese virtue of belonging, of sacrificing for the group - I understood the payoff. I saw that there are two ways, commutarian and individualistic. The payoff is in losing yourself to gain yourself. That's what love is [agape] in the Christian way, and the way of being in many faith or ancient traditions. It's a mystery of life.

"These shifts in the activities people performed helped to gradually cause a widespread shift in consciousness that created our current conceptualization of the self. "

[That was a really helpful item. Peoples' activities change consciousness and concept of self.]

I think anytime you have the experience of losing ego, or submerging ego in a cause or your own artistry, or even in weariness with always being in control, you enter a mystery.

I have entered another state of consciousness recently due to a brain injury. I'm getting acquainted with a new me. In the other life I wrote poetry, taught prisoners, fought the Bush death penalty machine in Texas, back home in Seattle was a precinct officer for our legislative district and active, passionate for justice.

"[. . .]  my perception of myself as a distinct individual has dramatically waned. My interior monologue has virtually disappeared. I no longer have aesthetic-based epiphanies, and I almost never concern myself with examining internal passions or emotions anymore."

Me too. [But for different reasons, I think. I wonder if change of consciousness can change brains.]

To bring this back to politics, rural people are more group- identifying, city people more individualistic valuing. The right wing has tried to turn that split into good vs. evil, yet it's a pack of lies that virtue cuts a geographical line across America. How did common sense get so lost that many believed - voted their belief - that Americans are strangers to each other?

What blogging has done for us is to open an accessible commons where we can be more of who we are, to ourselves and each other, to imagine and form a more perfect union.

by mrobinsong 2006-12-11 06:55PM | 0 recs
Blogging and mental illness.

At my humble blog and at firedoglake my individual life is intertwined with my political and social writing.  

Of course it helps to be mentally ill :)

Piling onto the notion that many people, even highly educated people who think they are up to speed, do not get blogging.  

They particularly miss the highly interactive nature of blogging, instead thinking it's like an online letters to the editor or something.

by egregious 2006-12-12 03:42AM | 0 recs
Re: Being And Blogging

I came over from Doc Searles blog.  

I find politics a very narrow field of interest. And political blogs are nothing more than gossip columns focused on who has power and who doesn't.  As an independent voter, I find most of this extremely narcissistic and counter productive to what is best for the nation.  Yes, I am drawing a sharp distinction between politics and governance. And politicians are focused primarily on politics, not governance.

I am suggesting that what you are personally experiencing is the diminishment of your life to that which is trival.  Get a life and write about that in your blog. You'll be happier for it.  And I'm more likely to read it.

by EB3 2006-12-16 02:42AM | 0 recs
Be the blog you wish to see?

I definitely made a conscious decision at one point to seriously limit the amount I blog (I think at the moment I started my pointless blog), in order to maintain the rest of my life. It's really fascinating to read about what's happened to you as an individual. Thanks for a thought-provoking post

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Re: Being And Blogging
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