Rahm Won Everything
by Chris Bowers, Mon Nov 13, 2006 at 06:55:10 AM EST
He did it, in large measure, by remaking the Democratic Party in his own image. Rahm won the House of Representatives for Democrats, but it didn't stop there.
Rahm also won the four Republican-held House seats where the DCCC candidate lost the primary, but where the primary winner went on to take the seat anyway.
Rahm raised all the money for the DNC, and was actually every small donor who contributed to the DNC.
Rahm was every donor to Act Blue.
Carol Shea Porter is actually Rahm.
Rahm won us back six Governorships. Hell, he had groomed Deval Patrick from birth for the 2006 elections.
Rahm defeated the gay marriage ban in Arizona.
Rahm took back nine state legislative Houses.
Rahm not only runs MoveOn.org, but he is all 3.3 million people on their email list.
Rahm rigged voting machines so my write-in for Democratic state committee was a certain success.
Bill Clinton learned everything he knows from Rahm.
Rahm was every staffer on every House campaign in the country.
Rahm personally knocked on every door in the country.
Every progressive advocacy organization is actually Rahm, especially Emily's List.
Rahm runs SEIU and the AFL-CIO. He was Andy Stern's ghost writer.
Heath Shuler was the quarterback for the Washington Redskins, but if Rahm was the offensive coordinator, Shuler would be in the Hall of Fame.
Rahm defeated TABOR initiatives around the nation.
Rahm has a mind-meld with Nancy Pelosi, so if his body were to die and be sent to the Genesis planet in a hollowed-out photon torpedo, Spock's father could bring him back to life on Vulcan.
Rahm voted fifty million times on Election Day.
No one kept the base more excited than Rahm.
Every press release from every Democratic campaign was edited by Rahm.
When you put a needle on Rahm's nipple, it plays Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys.
Without Rahm's nutritional advice, I would be fifty pounds overweight.
Rahm is the leader of the anti-war movement. He always thought Iraq was a bad idea, and planned to run on it from the get-go.
Rahm won Tennessee for Harold Ford, IL-06 for Tammy Duckworth, and CA-50 for Francine Busby back in June.
Rahm founded YouTube.
Rahm can move in and out of the body of every Democrat in the country at will, like agents in the Matrix, so that their actions can be properly controlled at all times.
Brittany Spears is getting a divorce so she can marry Rahm.
Rahm masterminded the D-Day invasion.
Rahm is every new Democratic precinct captain in the country.
Rahm wrote every progressive blog post this cycle.
Rahm single-handed won these elections.
When the world ends, it will be because Rahm blinked.